Since last time...
My study with Susannah and Cassie has been put off indefinitely. Susi went back to work after maternity leave and gets home late. Tried to find a different time that would work, but she said their schedules were just too busy for the summer and maybe we could start again in the fall. We'll see what happens. In the mean time I'll try to stay in touch.
Still studying with Ron and Sue. Jordan comes most of the time. Mark hasn't come back since the first study. I'm not sure what happened to him. Haven't asked for more details than I've gather from conversation.
I was gone the first week of April to OKFCM. I studied with them Sunday night before we left. In that study I did the gospel presentation and invited them to give their hearts and lives to God if they hadn't already. Ron took it fine. Sue seemed standoff-ish. "I thought I already did that?" I wasn't trying to tell her she hadn't! But I do think they haven't caught the full picture yet. I left feeling like I may be losing them. For the first time in this study, feeling like I had failed. And so we left for camp the next morning.
When we returned the next Monday I came down sick. I was in bed all day Tuesday. But if they wanted to I was willing to come. However they were sick too when I called. So we postponed a week. But the next week they were still sick. That was fine with me though because though I was well I was not well. For a variety of reasons I had come under a cloud of discouragement. But deeper than discouragement I was seeing the signs of depression in myself. It's not the first time I've struggled with it. I had no desire to prepare for a Bible study or go talk to people. I wasn't talking much to anyone! But the next week they were ready to start again. I scraped the Bible study together and put on the best pasted smile I could muster. I said the bare minimum and let my mom interject wherever she wanted. I had her open with prayer too and had Ron close. I felt like a complete hypocrite being there. The next week Ron called to say he was sick again with fever and all. So the third Bible study was called off. I still wasn't feeling any better so it was a relief. I'm just being honest. I'm human in case you were wondering. I'm not a saint. But God has this peculiar love for humans. And He wasn't giving up on me. I couldn't have gotten away from Him if I wanted. And you can't either.Over the next two days though something happened. It was many things coming together and working together - friends, choices, change. By the time the next Bible study came I was back to normal and was ready to face it again. The study was on the Christian's source of power. We read verses about how Jesus lived and how He was our example. So we talked about prayer and Bible study and the basics of them. I told them the old Morris Venden idea, An apple tree grows apples because it is an apple tree, not in order to be one. We talked about John 15 and how we only ever hope to have fruit on our branches if we are connected to the vine. We talked about where to put our focus - on staying connected. And how do we do that? By looking at Jesus...constantly. And not on anything else. Including ourselves. And if we concentrate on staying connected to the Vine, the fruit will grow automatically.
"If you look at your life would you say there are apples growing on your tree?" I asked. This time Ron was the one in distress. "There used to be! But I lost what I had. And I want it back." Sue explained, "He tells me, 'I don't get it. Jenae is always so...you know...," and she started motioning her hands in a bubbling motion. "And he wants that back. Now!" She chuckled at his impatience. But I knew I had to confess. I couldn't let them go on believing I was all they thought I was, and that they could never have that, never be "what I was". And suddenly I looked back on the last month at the pile of ashes my life had become...and I saw beauty. I saw His hand taking every twisted thread and weaving each one into His tapestry. I felt the oil of joy for the mourning.
I held up my finger for Sue and Ron to listen. Little Jordan sat there watching it all. "Sue," I asked solemnly, "tell me, did you notice anything different about me at our last study?" I waited as she thought. "What was the last study? Jordan were you here that time? No, I don' think I noticed anything..." I wondered if she was just afraid to be honest. Then slowly she began to remember. "Well...yes, I guess I did. And I told Ron after you left. 'Something wasn't right about Jenae. She was...just...," and she folded her shoulders and slumped in her chair with a stone face. It was an all too true picture of what I looked like at that study. "I was trying my hardest to hide it, Sue. I was struggling with depression. Did you notice I didn't pray that time? I had taken my eyes off my Gardener and there were no apples growing on my tree." Sue and Ron sat there silent. "I'm just like you, I'm human. Oh please, if you want what you see growing on my tree as I come to share God's word with you, don't look at me. Look at the One who tends my tree. And I promise you, you will see apples growing on your tree too. I promise. You can have it back, Ron. But do apples grow over night?" He smiled laughing and shook his head, "No." "Then be patient with yourself. Will you take the challenge? Will you spend time everyday this week looking at Jesus? Talking to Him in prayer. Listening to Him in His word." Jordan nodded her head without hesitation. They all accepted the challenge. I encouraged them to press through even if the devil tried to throw things at them. "It is the most awesome experience you will have. As you look at Jesus you will suddenly see yourself changing, it seems without even trying to change. Because you aren't trying to make the apples grow on your tree. You're letting the Gardener grow them."
The study had ended at an hour, but we didn't leave for another hour. Talking. Encouraging. Sharing. Answering. Watching them pant after the water brooks.But please, oh please! If I ever coveted your prayers it is this week. I know it's taken me two days to get this post up, but it's not too late. Our next study is on Tuesday. I made them a big promise in God's name. I am praying that God comes through in a big way. I want them to be grounded in Him. I want them to taste and see this all for themselves. I want them to get hooked. I want them to find the key and unlock the door to a new life. Please pray for them, will you?
They didn't seem to want to let us go. As Sue stood outside she told how she was going in to have a heart monitor put on. "The doctor told me what I really need to do is quite smoking. I know I do! I want to." She's tried before but without success. Pray for that too please. Thank you, friend!
Back at home I marveled at how God had not let a single thing be wasted. I needed some time to recover from somethings. To get back on track. But they needed to see I was real. I could have told them I've been discouraged before. I could have told them I wasn't perfect. But would they have believed me? Would they if they hadn't seen the difference taking my eyes off my Gardener had made in the me they'd known?
If the devil thought he'd won something over me in the last month, he only gave God more fuel for glory. And made me hunger and search and cry for more.
A thank you to those few friends who knew and stayed with me through the valley. I like the gloves my Gardener wears. :)
I feel so inadequate. I can see all the "rules" I'm breaking. I leave and I think, "Jordan's hardly been to a church. She has no clue about the Bible. Their still learning where the books are. How will she know where to look to read? How will she know where to hear Him? Where to get inspiration? I should have given her some ideas what to read!" I've debated whether to try to get a hold of her and see how she's doing and give her suggestions like starting with reading John. I don't know. But I know the since it's Him their looking for He can put Himself in their way too. I am praying He does. Lord, help my unbelief. I've just never promised something like this before. But God gave Hannah a son when Eli said He would!
I will do my best to update you after our next lesson Tuesday.
