The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

Feelings

 from January 22, 2014 (unrevised)
(note: some words are from my own dictionary)

Does it ever happen to you? You wake up and look outside and discover that the little imp of irritableness is sitting on your porch swing. What is he doing here? You open the door and shoo him away. But he again returns like a pesky fly that just won't be caught.

Something in the air just doesn't feel right. Where did my sense of His presence and sweet spirit go? What happened to the connection? I suppose there could be as many potential causes and variations as there are of us. Sometimes I can't identify a cause. It's just as if a cloud blotted out my Sun and I have to keep walking by faith. I don't always do so well.

Some mornings I find myself feeling tired and less than excited to focus on quiet time with God. After postponing the parting with my bed it's even more tempting to suffice with a simple devotional and prayer. After all I've already missed my time, there's lots to do, and I better stay on schedule. (What a convenient time to pull out the "schedule" card.) I won't be able to focus anyway with all the to-dos on my mind now. Right?

Well I've tried this method more times than I'd like to admit and though I may accomplish things the problem of little imp irritable is rarely solved. In fact he may end up succeeding in having a friend or two over. Darling distraction perhaps or sir self-reliance. It doesn't end well.

So this morning I find myself in such a place. Something is different inside. Can't put a finger on it but I know the feeling. And I don't like it. I turn my face towards the devotional-and-stay-on-schedule path. But this time something stops me. Why rush? Why do I think that will help matters? Perhaps it is a few phrases in my devotional reading that triggers it.

“Called aside—
Perhaps into a desert garden dim;
And yet not alone, when thou hast been with Him,
And heard His voice in sweetest accents say:
“Child, wilt thou not with Me this still hour stay?”

And then thoughts start meshing. What could it hurt to buckle down and take my unrushed time with Him? Others may have to wait on me, but why punish my Savior for my falling behind schedule?  Why focus on the fact that I'm irritable and try to wrestle it myself? *recall family worship* "Look not to self, but to Christ." MH 65.4

Further reflection. "It is not wise to look to ourselves and study our emotions. If we do this, the enemy will present difficulties and temptations that weaken faith and destroy courage. Closely to study our emotions and give way to our feelings is to entertain doubt and entangle ourselves in perplexity. We are to look away from self to Jesus." MH 249.4

Feelings are a poor gage for our status with God. Don't give them time. "At times a deep sense of our unworthiness will send a thrill of terror through the soul; but this is no evidence that God has changed toward us, or we toward God. No effort should be made to rein the mind up to a certain intensity of emotion. We may not feel today the peace and joy which we felt yesterday; but we should by faith grasp the hand of Christ, and trust him as fully in the darkness as in the light." RH, May 3, 1881. – {PH048 30.3}

And so I feel un-Christian and disconnected. What does that matter? Should it keep me away from Jesus? Or do I need Him more? Will He not be compassionate? "But the centurion said of himself, 'I am not worthy.' Yet he did not fear to ask help from Jesus. Not to his own goodness did he trust, but to the Saviour’s mercy. His only argument was his great need. Do you feel that because you are a sinner you cannot hope to receive blessing from God? Remember that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We have nothing to recommend us to God; the plea that we may urge now and ever is our utterly helpless condition, which makes His redeeming power a necessity. Renouncing all self-dependence, we may look to the cross of Calvary and say: 'In my hand no price I bring; Simply to Thy cross I cling.'” MH 65

Will He not deal with the imps and darlings? "In Christ, God has provided means for subduing every evil trait and resisting every temptation, however strong." MH 65.4

The song for worship.
"On the Rock of Ages founded,
What can shake thy sure repose?
With salvation's wall surrounded,
Thou mayst smile at all thy foes."

"We may be shut in by the promises of God, which will be as a wall of fire about us." Signs of the Times, May 22, 1884. – {PH048 39.1}

Leave your emotions to Jesus. "As a faithful physician, the world’s Redeemer has his finger upon the pulse of the soul. He marks every beat; he takes note of every throb. Not an emotion thrills it; not a sorrow shades it; not a sin stains it; not a thought or purpose passes through it, with which he is not acquainted. Man was purchased at an infinite cost, and is loved with a devotion exceeding that which a father feels for his child. The prayer that comes from a sincere heart will ever find a response in heaven." Signs of the Times, December 3, 1896. – {PH048 40.3}

You know in all my quarter of a century, this feels like the first time it's all come together. I don't know why. I've read all this over and again. But this morning was a bit of an epiphany. I'm thankful that my Jesus is patient while I learn.

Today I chose to give Him the best of my time. Today I chose to look away from self to Jesus. Today I chose to walk by faith not feeling and trust that the Sun still shines behind the clouds...and it will return.

And here's the promise. "...by persevering effort, habit will finally make it easy." {PH048 34.4}

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?

So loved

I am so loved.

I am so unworthy of this love.

Yet He loves me still.

I am not loved because I deserve it, but because He deserves to have what He shed His own blood to purchase and redeem. I am ransomed with the most precious of currency. The villain set the ransom as high as he could see. He had the opportunity to name his price for the souls of the Kings treasure, and he set his sights on the life of the Life Giver. Did he reckon that I would not be considered worth that infinite value? He reckoned wrong. For the Prince of the kings of the earth stepped forward and pledged to pay the ransom. Did he hope that in the attempt the Prince would fail and he would gain not only the life of the Prince but hold still the life of the treasure upon whom he could carry out his hellish plans? He hoped in vain. Though for a while he held Life in his death grip, through the darkest night when hope slept in cold stillness, his triumph was not to endure. For when the morning came, the Prince broke the chains and rose up from the bowels of the earth victor.

This world is filled with touching love stories. Grand tales of brave acts for treasured loves. But they are nothing. They do not begin to reach the height of the love of my Prince for me. I know me. I know the depths of this sinful heart. And He knows it even better. Yet He came after me anyway. And He does again and again. He calls me His treasure.

Treasure.

To think of myself as anything less...it would require pronouncing the one who fought to the death and poured out His very blood as payment for me, a liar. In the face of such love what can I say? I am speechless. I am broken. All I can do is let Him love me. And that is all He wants.

Let me love you. Let my love transform you. I see you not as you are, but as what my love can make you. You are mine. And I delight to call you such. I am not ashamed of you. You are my treasure. And I love you.

He calls me His own. And I may call Him mine. And He has gone, but He will return. His one desire, to have me with Him where He is. He counts the days. Days unknown. Anticipating the day. The day on which He will come to take me, His treasure...home.

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

Soft in the stillness of night

Gentle and quiet

His voice assured me again

Child I’m not finished yet

Let your heart rest

I won’t let you slip through my fingers

He holds me

Oh He holds me so closely

I am His

And by His grace He is mine

No power can loosen His grip on me

I’m so tightly held by His mighty love

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

*Here He Comes

By: Melissa Otto

Album: Blue Sky

Red Sea

They had cried. He had heard. The Cloud shields them as they make their escape. Moses hand's raise and the water rushes back. Through a miraculous path they flee as children through a secret passage. Hearts slowing with at least a bit of relief. Ah, they see what He's doing now. He is mighty after all. The last one crosses safe.

But horror grips them with multiplied fear as they see the Mighty One seems to have left the secret door a jar. Their enemy is charging at them once again...on the very same miraculous path! Why? How could He? What is He thinking?

Sometimes it seems God opens a way of escape just to let the enemy pursue me on that same path. What is He thinking?

Much greater things than I had imagined.

Sometimes instead of sending a defeated army home...He just decides to drown them.

I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: 

the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. 

The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation:

He is my God...

The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; 

my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters. 

For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, 

and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; 

but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

Who is like unto thee, O Lord , among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation. 

Fear and dread shall fall upon [the enemy]; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, 

till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

(Exodus 15:1, 2, 9-11, 13, 16, 19 KJV)

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

To catch the end of a rainbow

It's been so dry. I miss the rain. We've been praying for rain.

But the lyrics of a certain song have been playing through my mind and escaping my lips of late. And I was finding joy even in the blazing sun. In these thoughts I left my editing and went down for the supper call.

As I refilled my empty cup with water for later my eyes rose to the kitchen window. And I stared in wonder. With bubbling delight...it was raining. But even more, it wasn't only pouring down. It was not lightning. 

I could go raindancing!

There is a little girl inside of me that jumps up and down and squeals with unconcealed delight when surprised by this kind of love note. That runs outside despising the protection of an umbrella or raincoat and with no shoes. That flees the porch and the shelter of the trees...out into the full force to embrace the torrent.

As I stood there letting it wash over me and soak me through, I lifted my face to the western sky. It opened up and the setting sun shone through the droplets and a picture better than a master artists painting unfolded before my eyes. Words cannot describe. I was speechless. 

Behind me a rainbow appeared. The little girl squealed again and ran to the back of the house. My eyes followed the bow to its beginning. It cut through the horizon and landed in the field only two-hundred feet away. The little girl wanted to run and catch it. Hold it. So much of me believed I could. If I'd had shoes on I would have tried.

I would have tried to catch the end of the rainbow....

Why can't we catch the end of a rainbow?* 

"I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be 

for a token of a covenant between me and the earth."*

Because His love and covenant know no end.

O, then may no one ever catch the end of a rainbow!

Let there forever be more. 

And let me never find the end of His promises.

*I Googled it. It's impossible.

*Gen 9:13

Photo Credits: Mom & Dad

He does not waste a thing

Since last time...

My study with Susannah and Cassie has been put off indefinitely. Susi went back to work after maternity leave and gets home late. Tried to find a different time that would work, but she said their schedules were just too busy for the summer and maybe we could start again in the fall. We'll see what happens. In the mean time I'll try to stay in touch.

Still studying with Ron and Sue. Jordan comes most of the time. Mark hasn't come back since the first study. I'm not sure what happened to him. Haven't asked for more details than I've gather from conversation.

I was gone the first week of April to OKFCM. I studied with them Sunday night before we left. In that study I did the gospel presentation and invited them to give their hearts and lives to God if they hadn't already. Ron took it fine. Sue seemed standoff-ish. "I thought I already did that?" I wasn't trying to tell her she hadn't! But I do think they haven't caught the full picture yet. I left feeling like I may be losing them. For the first time in this study, feeling like I had failed. And so we left for camp the next morning.

When we returned the next Monday I came down sick. I was in bed all day Tuesday. But if they wanted to I was willing to come. However they were sick too when I called. So we postponed a week. But the next week they were still sick. That was fine with me though because though I was well I was not well. For a variety of reasons I had come under a cloud of discouragement. But deeper than discouragement I was seeing the signs of depression in myself. It's not the first time I've struggled with it. I had no desire to prepare for a Bible study or go talk to people. I wasn't talking much to anyone! But the next week they were ready to start again. I scraped the Bible study together and put on the best pasted smile I could muster. I said the bare minimum and let my mom interject wherever she wanted. I had her open with prayer too and had Ron close. I felt like a complete hypocrite being there. The next week Ron called to say he was sick again with fever and all. So the third Bible study was called off. I still wasn't feeling any better so it was a relief. I'm just being honest. I'm human in case you were wondering. I'm not a saint. But God has this peculiar love for humans. And He wasn't giving up on me. I couldn't have gotten away from Him if I wanted. And you can't either.






Over the next two days though something happened. It was many things coming together and working together - friends, choices, change. By the time the next Bible study came I was back to normal and was ready to face it again. The study was on the Christian's source of power. We read verses about how Jesus lived and how He was our example. So we talked about prayer and Bible study and the basics of them. I told them the old Morris Venden idea, An apple tree grows apples because it is an apple tree, not in order to be one. We talked about John 15 and how we only ever hope to have fruit on our branches if we are connected to the vine. We talked about where to put our focus - on staying connected. And how do we do that? By looking at Jesus...constantly. And not on anything else. Including ourselves. And if we concentrate on staying connected to the Vine, the fruit will grow automatically.

"If you look at your life would you say there are apples growing on your tree?" I asked. This time Ron was the one in distress. "There used to be! But I lost what I had. And I want it back." Sue explained, "He tells me, 'I don't get it. Jenae is always so...you know...," and she started motioning her hands in a bubbling motion. "And he wants that back. Now!" She chuckled at his impatience. But I knew I had to confess. I couldn't let them go on believing I was all they thought I was, and that they could never have that, never be "what I was". And suddenly I looked back on the last month at the pile of ashes my life had become...and I saw beauty. I saw His hand taking every twisted thread and weaving each one into His tapestry. I felt the oil of joy for the mourning.

I held up my finger for Sue and Ron to listen. Little Jordan sat there watching it all. "Sue," I asked solemnly, "tell me, did you notice anything different about me at our last study?" I waited as she thought. "What was the last study? Jordan were you here that time? No, I don' think I noticed anything..." I wondered if she was just afraid to be honest. Then slowly she began to remember. "Well...yes, I guess I did. And I told Ron after you left. 'Something wasn't right about Jenae. She was...just...," and she folded her shoulders and slumped in her chair with a stone face. It was an all too true picture of what I looked like at that study. "I was trying my hardest to hide it, Sue. I was struggling with depression. Did you notice I didn't pray that time? I had taken my eyes off my Gardener and there were no apples growing on my tree." Sue and Ron sat there silent. "I'm just like you, I'm human. Oh please, if you want what you see growing on my tree as I come to share God's word with you, don't look at me. Look at the One who tends my tree. And I promise you, you will see apples growing on your tree too. I promise. You can have it back, Ron. But do apples grow over night?" He smiled laughing and shook his head, "No." "Then be patient with yourself. Will you take the challenge? Will you spend time everyday this week looking at Jesus? Talking to Him in prayer. Listening to Him in His word." Jordan nodded her head without hesitation. They all accepted the challenge. I encouraged them to press through even if the devil tried to throw things at them. "It is the most awesome experience you will have. As you look at Jesus you will suddenly see yourself changing, it seems without even trying to change. Because you aren't trying to make the apples grow on your tree. You're letting the Gardener grow them."

The study had ended at an hour, but we didn't leave for another hour. Talking. Encouraging. Sharing. Answering. Watching them pant after the water brooks.

But please, oh please! If I ever coveted your prayers it is this week. I know it's taken me two days to get this post up, but it's not too late. Our next study is on Tuesday. I made them a big promise in God's name. I am praying that God comes through in a big way. I want them to be grounded in Him. I want them to taste and see this all for themselves. I want them to get hooked. I want them to find the key and unlock the door to a new life. Please pray for them, will you?

They didn't seem to want to let us go. As Sue stood outside she told how she was going in to have a heart monitor put on. "The doctor told me what I really need to do is quite smoking. I know I do! I want to." She's tried before but without success. Pray for that too please. Thank you, friend!

Back at home I marveled at how God had not let a single thing be wasted. I needed some time to recover from somethings. To get back on track. But they needed to see I was real. I could have told them I've been discouraged before. I could have told them I wasn't perfect. But would they have believed me? Would they if they hadn't seen the difference taking my eyes off my Gardener had made in the me they'd known?

If the devil thought he'd won something over me in the last month, he only gave God more fuel for glory. And made me hunger and search and cry for more.

A thank you to those few friends who knew and stayed with me through the valley. I like the gloves my Gardener wears. :)

I feel so inadequate. I can see all the "rules" I'm breaking. I leave and I think, "Jordan's hardly been to a church. She has no clue about the Bible. Their still learning where the books are. How will she know where to look to read? How will she know where to hear Him? Where to get inspiration? I should have given her some ideas what to read!" I've debated whether to try to get a hold of her and see how she's doing and give her suggestions like starting with reading John. I don't know. But I know the since it's Him their looking for He can put Himself in their way too. I am praying He does. Lord, help my unbelief. I've just never promised something like this before. But God gave Hannah a son when Eli said He would!

I will do my best to update you after our next lesson Tuesday.

Look who He invited...

Did you ever connect who the VIP were at Jesus Last Supper? A bunch of pretty pathetic characters

arguing.

prideful.

oblivious.

hmm...

Maybe I have a chance?

I write this blog not as the result of a theological session of thought. But after coming out of a deep dark hole. One I've found myself in more times than I want to admit. Honestly I'd be embarrassed to let you see the far too often real me. Just please don't look at all. Keep your gaze on Him.

But back to supper.

I found the following video as a result of reading through old emails from a very close friend. Amazing how God can use someone to still get to you who isn't even there at the time.

So He thinks that of me too? I guess I need to stop finding a different place to lay my sleeping bag when I feel rotten.

But would He have invited me to supper?

Rev 3:20

Ya. I guess He would.

P.S. If you need a follow up? watch this one.