The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Red Hot Love

Written April 28, 2014

Sometimes I throw my head back and feast my eyes on the green grass and look up at the bursting crab apple blossoms on the tree. Life is full of beauty.

And life is messy. This world is too full of pain and evil. And I've asked often where God fits in. There are big questions. I ask them. I belive there are answers. 

One question...what about those old testament stories? Honestly, they have bother me. Love. Destruction. Mercy. Anger. How do they exist in one Being? A Being named Love?

I wrestle a lot with love. What does it mean? What is real love? How does it work? Is that really what it looks like sometimes? Can I trust it?

I'm not writing today to say I figured it out. I haven't. But I saw this today. And it helped make a little more sense of things. So I just wanted to share it with you...since we're on this journey together.

God assures me again that He is good in all He does. And it is love. He is Love.

Positivity

Positivity is a good thing. I think we would all agree on that. It is powerful. But positivity alone is not enough. Have you noticed one of the most optimistic people to have ever lived is also the most evil person who has ever lived?

The devil has touted for over six thousand years, against all evidence, that he will win this war. He even knows now that he will not, but he refuses to admit it or back down. He has optimism down pat. And he has convinced a lot of people that he is right against all the evidence through out history.

No matter how positive you are about something, if it is a lie your optimism will not make it right. You must be positive about truth. You must be optimistic about what is reality.

And one thing I know is truth is that the dragon has never ever, not once won a battle with the King. He lost the most important battle on the bloody hill of calvary. Now all that remains is for his kingdom and its effects to be irradiated forever.

Sure, we look around us, even inward to our own lives, and sometimes it appears as though God is losing battles, sometimes as if He is not even putting up a fight. But that isn’t true. His infallible Word promises that He is fighting and will win overwhelmingly. (The only thing the devil can win is a human heart that surrenders itself to him and doesn’t let God fight for it. Something to take seriously.) The war is not over yet. It may take a while for truth to be seen with our eyes. We live by faith after all. But when it is all said and done, truth will triumph and every story in which the enemy appears now to have won will have the last line written. They are only unfinished stories.

Every situation, every apparent triumph of the Serpent that is given to the Prince of Love and Captain of the Lord’s host will become a trophy of grace. Every one.

And that is something you can be positive about.

But Love Said...

Written November 23, 2013

Evil said "I will steal the summer and bring cold winds whipping through. And pierce them with winters, icy blasts."

But Love said "But I will give them fire. And as they draw close to it, it warming them through, I will remind them that in me they will find warmth against the icy blasts of the world."

Evil said "I will strip the trees bare and leave their ugly skeletons." 

But Love said "But before they give up their green life I will turn them colors of the rainbow to cheer the hearts of earth. And it will remind them that there is beauty even in death. And to let Love show His colors in you to your last breath, is to live and to bless the lives of others."

Evil said "I will send ice and snow to stay their way and chill them to the bone."

But Love said "I will make the billion snowflakes each unique. As unique as every child I've fashioned that they may know their preciousness to me. And I will set a million diamonds sparkling across the frozen scape to dazzle their eyes. And it will show them that even when all seems cold and lifeless I will set diamonds in them that will shine with my beauty."

Evil said, "I will lengthen the shadows and drag the dark winter night on and on."

But Love said, "I will make the moon to shine with breathtaking beauty across the blanketed land. As they look up in the crisp air through silhouetted branches to stellar sky above and all the stars twinkling brighter, I will remind my children it is often in their darkest night when my beauty shines brightest. And there is no night so long that it is not broken with morning."

Evil said, "I will bring dark clouds, gray and gloom."

But Love said, "And if in the long night dark clouds block their view, I will remind them the stars still shine behind the clouds. And they will shine again. I will shine again. For I am Love. Stronger than death."

Love had the last word. 

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?