The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Above the clouds

Thursday, September 4, 2014

If I take the wings of the morning...even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. Psalms139:9-10 NKJV

Relaxed in my seat, I watch the arteries of earth flow below me. It's an early morning flight. Beginning in darkness, the sky slowly yet so steadily brightens into dawn. The sun is behind me, but I can see its light caressing the clouds beneath me. They are a deep pink, such as only a sunrise can make. It is beautiful.

As we wing westward the clouds billow and grow into mountains of white, each with unique and fascinating character. I try to read or rest, but my eyes crave the view. This is one of my favorite places - above the clouds. Early mornings or full moons are even more special. It is like a whole 'nother world. Peaceful and calm. Quiet. As if it is just God and me meeting halfway between His home and mine. If only I could go all the way. Someday.

Beauty above the clouds. Is it not so? And can my mind and heart not escape here even when life teams around me and cares and troubles press? There is a place of beauty, peace, calm - above the clouds. And there the soft light of His presence illuminates the darkness earth throws about me. There He is. Thither He invites me.

Though for now my lot is on earth, my heart can abide with Him above the clouds. And what better than to have the best of both worlds - in heart at home with Him, and yet still on earth, able to reach my fellow men and invite them to this place of peace. This is why I live. My passion - to reunite those I meet on earth with the One whom their hearts search for; to help them find the beauty above the clouds.

I feel the nose tip down. We descend into Denver airport. I take another look out the window as the pink hue of dawn touches the Rockies. Soon life will again team around me. There's a long day ahead of me. But my heart stays with God above the clouds.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there. Psalms 139:8 NKJV

......

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Unbelief

He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths as through a pastureland. Psalm 106:9 (AMP)

This verse struck me. He turned the impassable impossibility into a meadow. And their terrified faces turned to expressions of amazement and joy. And after the roaring waves had crashed back down on there pursuing enemies they sang. (vs 10-12)

Soon they are on the boarder of a pleasant land. The one that has for generations been the promised possession of their people. Yet after all they have seen, they don't think He can give it to them. It's owned by impossibly powerful people!

It was unbelief that kept them out for another 40 years...wandering in the wilderness.

The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn't believe his promise to care for them.  (vs 24 NLT)

At one point in the saga it says, They traded their glorious God for a statue of a grass-eating bull. (v. 20 NLT)

They sound like a pretty dumb and wretched bunch...

Until you remember the times you've traded your glorious God for a "grass-eating bull".

No. We're not much better.

How many times have I lived doubt? Doubt that God could take care of me? Doubt that He would even want to? It's called unbelief. And it kept them out of the promised land. And it could be keeping me out too.

For forty years did unbelief, murmuring, and rebellion shut out ancient Israel from the land of Canaan. The same sins have delayed the entrance of modern Israel into the heavenly Canaan. Ev 696.2

This point comes out to me over and over again in the Bible.

And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:58

So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest. Hebrews 3:19

But there is hope! A father once struggled with unbelief. But Jesus did not send Him away. He only asked that he express his belief and show his faith, mustard seed though it was. And with that faith the Savior commanded demons to flee. And they did.

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Mar 9:23-24 KJV

When thoughts of unbelief and distrust come to you, remember that silence is eloquence. Speak no words of unbelief, for such words are as seeds that will spring up and bear fruit. CTr 120.6 

Cast yourself at His feet with the cry, "Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." You can never perish while you do this--never. DA 429.1

Never.

Oh Father, forgive my unbelief, and may I never again turn from you to a grass-eating bull. 

Red Sea

They had cried. He had heard. The Cloud shields them as they make their escape. Moses hand's raise and the water rushes back. Through a miraculous path they flee as children through a secret passage. Hearts slowing with at least a bit of relief. Ah, they see what He's doing now. He is mighty after all. The last one crosses safe.

But horror grips them with multiplied fear as they see the Mighty One seems to have left the secret door a jar. Their enemy is charging at them once again...on the very same miraculous path! Why? How could He? What is He thinking?

Sometimes it seems God opens a way of escape just to let the enemy pursue me on that same path. What is He thinking?

Much greater things than I had imagined.

Sometimes instead of sending a defeated army home...He just decides to drown them.

I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: 

the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. 

The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation:

He is my God...

The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; 

my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters. 

For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, 

and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; 

but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

Who is like unto thee, O Lord , among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation. 

Fear and dread shall fall upon [the enemy]; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, 

till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

(Exodus 15:1, 2, 9-11, 13, 16, 19 KJV)

Anxious?

My first week off school has been kind of rough. I now have to put into real life practice the lessons God taught me through the last four months. I haven't had the greatest start at it. But I can say we are making progress. My biggest fear has been the future. I feel like I just flew off the end of a cliff and I don't know where to land. I don't know where God wants me to be. What am I supposed to do with everything I just learned? I need to start classes for ASL soon. I have no job prospects. How am I going to pay my bills and afford school? So my thoughts were turning anxious as they so often do. It is my struggle. I think God is purposely putting me in straight places to get me to relax in His hands. Has He ever failed me yet? No. So what am I worried about? Good question. There are things I'm worried about, but they still are not good excuses.

I confess I have kept late nights lately and have spent a lot of time thinking in those dark hours. It has only created knots in my stomach and burdens. So this morning in my quiet time God decided to speak straight to me. I just finished the book I had been reading for devotions (God In Pain. A must read!). So I was browsing through devotionals looking for what I should study. I was headed to study more of my new pet-topic the knowledge of God. As I open the Bible software I noticed the Morning and Evening Reading devotional by C. H. Spurgeon. {chuckles} God couldn't make it any clearer. Look for yourself.

Morning, December 19 - 


         “The lot is cast into the lap, but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord.” 
                                                                                             — Proverbs 16:33


If the disposal of the lot is the Lord’s whose is the arrangement of our whole life? If the simple casting of a lot is guided by him, how much more the events of our entire life—especially when we are told by our blessed Saviour: “The very hairs of your head are all numbered: not a sparrow falleth to the ground without your Father.” It would bring a holy calm over your mind, dear friend, if you were always to remember this. It would so relieve your mind from anxiety, that you would be the better able to walk in patience, quiet, and cheerfulness as a Christian should. When a man is anxious he cannot pray with faith; when he is troubled about the world, he cannot serve his Master, his thoughts are serving himself. If you would “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,” all things would then be added unto you. You are meddling with Christ’s business, and neglecting your own when you fret about your lot and circumstances. You have been trying “providing” work and forgetting that it is yours to obey. Be wise and attend to the obeying, and let Christ manage the providing. Come and survey your Father’s storehouse, and ask whether he will let you starve while he has laid up so great an abundance in his garner? Look at his heart of mercy; see if that can ever prove unkind! Look at his inscrutable wisdom; see if that will ever be at fault. Above all, look up to Jesus Christ your Intercessor, and ask yourself, while he pleads, can your Father deal ungraciously with you? If he remembers even sparrows, will he forget one of the least of his poor children? “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain thee. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved.” 

         My soul, rest happy in thy low estate,

         Nor hope nor wish to be esteem’d or great;

         To take the impress of the Will Divine,

         Be that thy glory, and those riches thine.

Spurgeon, C. H. (2006). Morning and evening : Daily readings (Complete and unabridged; New modern edition.). Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.