The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

But Love Said...

Written November 23, 2013

Evil said "I will steal the summer and bring cold winds whipping through. And pierce them with winters, icy blasts."

But Love said "But I will give them fire. And as they draw close to it, it warming them through, I will remind them that in me they will find warmth against the icy blasts of the world."

Evil said "I will strip the trees bare and leave their ugly skeletons." 

But Love said "But before they give up their green life I will turn them colors of the rainbow to cheer the hearts of earth. And it will remind them that there is beauty even in death. And to let Love show His colors in you to your last breath, is to live and to bless the lives of others."

Evil said "I will send ice and snow to stay their way and chill them to the bone."

But Love said "I will make the billion snowflakes each unique. As unique as every child I've fashioned that they may know their preciousness to me. And I will set a million diamonds sparkling across the frozen scape to dazzle their eyes. And it will show them that even when all seems cold and lifeless I will set diamonds in them that will shine with my beauty."

Evil said, "I will lengthen the shadows and drag the dark winter night on and on."

But Love said, "I will make the moon to shine with breathtaking beauty across the blanketed land. As they look up in the crisp air through silhouetted branches to stellar sky above and all the stars twinkling brighter, I will remind my children it is often in their darkest night when my beauty shines brightest. And there is no night so long that it is not broken with morning."

Evil said, "I will bring dark clouds, gray and gloom."

But Love said, "And if in the long night dark clouds block their view, I will remind them the stars still shine behind the clouds. And they will shine again. I will shine again. For I am Love. Stronger than death."

Love had the last word. 

Above the clouds

Thursday, September 4, 2014

If I take the wings of the morning...even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. Psalms139:9-10 NKJV

Relaxed in my seat, I watch the arteries of earth flow below me. It's an early morning flight. Beginning in darkness, the sky slowly yet so steadily brightens into dawn. The sun is behind me, but I can see its light caressing the clouds beneath me. They are a deep pink, such as only a sunrise can make. It is beautiful.

As we wing westward the clouds billow and grow into mountains of white, each with unique and fascinating character. I try to read or rest, but my eyes crave the view. This is one of my favorite places - above the clouds. Early mornings or full moons are even more special. It is like a whole 'nother world. Peaceful and calm. Quiet. As if it is just God and me meeting halfway between His home and mine. If only I could go all the way. Someday.

Beauty above the clouds. Is it not so? And can my mind and heart not escape here even when life teams around me and cares and troubles press? There is a place of beauty, peace, calm - above the clouds. And there the soft light of His presence illuminates the darkness earth throws about me. There He is. Thither He invites me.

Though for now my lot is on earth, my heart can abide with Him above the clouds. And what better than to have the best of both worlds - in heart at home with Him, and yet still on earth, able to reach my fellow men and invite them to this place of peace. This is why I live. My passion - to reunite those I meet on earth with the One whom their hearts search for; to help them find the beauty above the clouds.

I feel the nose tip down. We descend into Denver airport. I take another look out the window as the pink hue of dawn touches the Rockies. Soon life will again team around me. There's a long day ahead of me. But my heart stays with God above the clouds.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there. Psalms 139:8 NKJV

......

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Deliberate choice

There have been many accidental pregnancies. But there is no such thing as an accidental adoption. To be adopted means you are someone's deliberate choice.

You are God's. deliberate. choice.



-from the sermon this morning

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?

Well inside

Hot sun. Long walk. Sore heart.

"May I have a drink?"

Why in the world is he talking to me. "Oh uh... Just curious, why are you asking me? I mean I'm what some of you refer to as a dog, and even worse, I'm a woman. Your kind doesn't usually like to have anything to do with my kind."

"If you knew God and the person talking to you, you would have asked him to give you a drink. And you would have gotten water like you can't find anywhere else. Living water."

"Um pardon me sir, but you forgot to bring anything to get the water out with. I mean I can understand if you've never been here before, then you wouldn't know that this well is really deep. I still haven't found the bottom of it. And where do you propose to get water better than this? This is Jacob's well. Jacob, the great patriarch, the one who saw angels and spoke to God. I guess maybe that's one reason I still come here. I mean of course I need water. Can't live without it. But I guess, too, I figure if Jacob stood here once up on a time maybe his God stood here too and left some sort of holiness here somehow. Maybe I hope that someday I'll reach the bottom of this well and find Him, at least a lingering fragment...

Have you ever heard about Jacob? Well of course you have. So I guess you don't need me to tell you, if you think your bigger and better then Jacob, there's some people around here who might laugh. Jacob's pretty respected and revered."

"Oh daughter, you don't have to come to Jacob's well to be satisfied. Haven't you found that you keep having to come? It's never enough? You can't live off a Jacob's God. But if you would take and drink of the water I have to offer, it would satisfy truly. It would become your own well inside. A well by which a God who wants to be your God would love to rest and talk with you."

"...I'd like that. Would you give me this water so I don't have to come here anymore?"

"Go and bring your husband."

"Um... I don't have one."

"I know."

Head down in shameful silence.

"This well isn't the only place you've sought fulfillment. All five husbands have left you. Broken and empty still. But even though you know they hold no promise you find yourself stuck in this cycle, with self-worth so low now you let men use you without commitment."

"You know, not even some of the people in town know as much as you just told me. I take back what I said earlier. Maybe you do rank as high as Jacob. And I've been wondering about something for a long time. I mean, I'll confess, even though it's not popular with everyone these days, I am searching for God. And since you seem to know something about Him, could you tell me, my ancestors worshiped there on that mountain. But your people say God is to be found in the temple at Jerusalem. Who's right?"

"Let me let you in on something. Pretty soon you won't find God in this mountain or at the temple in Jerusalem. You all don't even know what you're worshiping. We do. Salvation will come from the Jews. But let me tell you, an event is about to happen that will shatter the way everyone who is really finding God worships. An event that will shift the whole picture of God. An event that will show what He is really like. And what He really thinks of you. God doesn't want people to worship Him as a thing or as a place.  Not as some God who shadowed the life of a man now dead, but as He is in truth...a real present reality. He wants worship from your heart. He wants one on one relationship. Not between Himself and a mass of people. Not as a God who found a select few from the past as worthy of His blessing. But as a God who finds each and every soul a place He longs to linger. Even you, the dog woman. He wants the worship in your heart."

"Hmm... I'm not sure I understand all you just said. But I know one event everyone, and I'll admit even I am looking forward to is the coming of the Promised One, the Messiah. He's supposed to be able to explain everything. I know it's probably too much to hope for, but I hope to meet Him..."

"You have. I am that event. Oh daughter, let me dig in the soil of your soul. A well deep and pure and sweet. A well inside. And let me fill it."

Running. Free.

"You've got to come. He's here. It's got to be Him. He talked to me like He knew me through and through. To me! And now there's a well inside. I can't hold it in."

.... 

Two days later.

....

"Thank you. We believe too. We're now drinking our fill, not out of your well, but from the one He dug. The well inside."

So loved

I am so loved.

I am so unworthy of this love.

Yet He loves me still.

I am not loved because I deserve it, but because He deserves to have what He shed His own blood to purchase and redeem. I am ransomed with the most precious of currency. The villain set the ransom as high as he could see. He had the opportunity to name his price for the souls of the Kings treasure, and he set his sights on the life of the Life Giver. Did he reckon that I would not be considered worth that infinite value? He reckoned wrong. For the Prince of the kings of the earth stepped forward and pledged to pay the ransom. Did he hope that in the attempt the Prince would fail and he would gain not only the life of the Prince but hold still the life of the treasure upon whom he could carry out his hellish plans? He hoped in vain. Though for a while he held Life in his death grip, through the darkest night when hope slept in cold stillness, his triumph was not to endure. For when the morning came, the Prince broke the chains and rose up from the bowels of the earth victor.

This world is filled with touching love stories. Grand tales of brave acts for treasured loves. But they are nothing. They do not begin to reach the height of the love of my Prince for me. I know me. I know the depths of this sinful heart. And He knows it even better. Yet He came after me anyway. And He does again and again. He calls me His treasure.

Treasure.

To think of myself as anything less...it would require pronouncing the one who fought to the death and poured out His very blood as payment for me, a liar. In the face of such love what can I say? I am speechless. I am broken. All I can do is let Him love me. And that is all He wants.

Let me love you. Let my love transform you. I see you not as you are, but as what my love can make you. You are mine. And I delight to call you such. I am not ashamed of you. You are my treasure. And I love you.

He calls me His own. And I may call Him mine. And He has gone, but He will return. His one desire, to have me with Him where He is. He counts the days. Days unknown. Anticipating the day. The day on which He will come to take me, His treasure...home.

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

Soft in the stillness of night

Gentle and quiet

His voice assured me again

Child I’m not finished yet

Let your heart rest

I won’t let you slip through my fingers

He holds me

Oh He holds me so closely

I am His

And by His grace He is mine

No power can loosen His grip on me

I’m so tightly held by His mighty love

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

*Here He Comes

By: Melissa Otto

Album: Blue Sky

Unbelief

He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths as through a pastureland. Psalm 106:9 (AMP)

This verse struck me. He turned the impassable impossibility into a meadow. And their terrified faces turned to expressions of amazement and joy. And after the roaring waves had crashed back down on there pursuing enemies they sang. (vs 10-12)

Soon they are on the boarder of a pleasant land. The one that has for generations been the promised possession of their people. Yet after all they have seen, they don't think He can give it to them. It's owned by impossibly powerful people!

It was unbelief that kept them out for another 40 years...wandering in the wilderness.

The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn't believe his promise to care for them.  (vs 24 NLT)

At one point in the saga it says, They traded their glorious God for a statue of a grass-eating bull. (v. 20 NLT)

They sound like a pretty dumb and wretched bunch...

Until you remember the times you've traded your glorious God for a "grass-eating bull".

No. We're not much better.

How many times have I lived doubt? Doubt that God could take care of me? Doubt that He would even want to? It's called unbelief. And it kept them out of the promised land. And it could be keeping me out too.

For forty years did unbelief, murmuring, and rebellion shut out ancient Israel from the land of Canaan. The same sins have delayed the entrance of modern Israel into the heavenly Canaan. Ev 696.2

This point comes out to me over and over again in the Bible.

And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:58

So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest. Hebrews 3:19

But there is hope! A father once struggled with unbelief. But Jesus did not send Him away. He only asked that he express his belief and show his faith, mustard seed though it was. And with that faith the Savior commanded demons to flee. And they did.

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Mar 9:23-24 KJV

When thoughts of unbelief and distrust come to you, remember that silence is eloquence. Speak no words of unbelief, for such words are as seeds that will spring up and bear fruit. CTr 120.6 

Cast yourself at His feet with the cry, "Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." You can never perish while you do this--never. DA 429.1

Never.

Oh Father, forgive my unbelief, and may I never again turn from you to a grass-eating bull. 

Red Sea

They had cried. He had heard. The Cloud shields them as they make their escape. Moses hand's raise and the water rushes back. Through a miraculous path they flee as children through a secret passage. Hearts slowing with at least a bit of relief. Ah, they see what He's doing now. He is mighty after all. The last one crosses safe.

But horror grips them with multiplied fear as they see the Mighty One seems to have left the secret door a jar. Their enemy is charging at them once again...on the very same miraculous path! Why? How could He? What is He thinking?

Sometimes it seems God opens a way of escape just to let the enemy pursue me on that same path. What is He thinking?

Much greater things than I had imagined.

Sometimes instead of sending a defeated army home...He just decides to drown them.

I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: 

the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. 

The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation:

He is my God...

The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; 

my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters. 

For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, 

and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; 

but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

Who is like unto thee, O Lord , among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation. 

Fear and dread shall fall upon [the enemy]; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, 

till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

(Exodus 15:1, 2, 9-11, 13, 16, 19 KJV)

His own

...unto Him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in His own blood...

His own blood...

It's not just animal blood.

No. It's His. His very own.

That struck me for whatever reason. Maybe it's how the narrator says that phrase on my audio Bible.

Narrator? What about John?

This isn't a second hand tale. This is the man's best friend telling me.

"I know this to be a fact. I know where that stuff came from. My friend is the one who saved you and made you clean again. I watched it spill out of Him. And He didn't use a generic brand. It was the real stuff...

I'm telling you. He loves you."

Loves me.

Washed. Clean.

Clean. That's a good feeling you know.

...loved us, and washed us...in His own blood...

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

Thoughts on Love

Love. 

It fascinates me. A small word with many varied and often conflicting definitions. A word so distorted in our world. 

Yet it is still the word that my God chooses to describe the very essence of Himself. And He is as misunderstood as the word itself.

Love has been a big part of my life. His power over me has been something I only understood with the passing of time. But He has convinced me. He said His love is the only thing that can change me. And He was right. And it is changing me.

How to explain all that I want to... It is too much. Some of it cannot be explained. A few of you will understand. It can only be experienced. And oh I pray you will let Love convince you too! Please?

But Love changing you is not enough for Him. Once Love has made His dwelling in our hearts He desires to flow out. And the mighty power of His love is channeled through our lives to work the same unbelievable changes in the world around us as happened in our own lives. Such a small thing love is. But it is greater than the greatest empire, stronger than the army man, and will win where all else has lost.

"...the excellence and value of pure love consist in its efficiency to do good, and to do nothing else than good. Love will gain the victory when argument and authority are powerless. It is diffusive in its nature, and quiet in its operation, yet strong, mighty, to overcome great evils. It is melting and transforming in its influence, and will take hold of the lives of the sinful and affect their hearts when every other means has proved unsuccessful."

And our merciful Father values it highly.

"Love works not for profit nor reward; yet God has ordained that great gain shall be the certain result of every labor of love. Whatsoever is done out of pure love, be it ever so little or contemptible in the sight of men, is wholly fruitful; for God regards more with how much love one worketh, than the amount he doeth."

"Love should be cherished and cultivated, for its influence is divine."

Let Him love. 

Let Him live. 

Quotes from Gospel Workers 311, 312

Lean Hard

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;

I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;

Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to thine unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.' Here lay it down, nor fear

To impose it on a shoulder which upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;

So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.

Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;

But loving Me, lean hard.

From Streams in the Desert

By Mrs. L. B. Cowman - Missionary to China and Japan

Available on iTunes and highly recommended

To catch the end of a rainbow

It's been so dry. I miss the rain. We've been praying for rain.

But the lyrics of a certain song have been playing through my mind and escaping my lips of late. And I was finding joy even in the blazing sun. In these thoughts I left my editing and went down for the supper call.

As I refilled my empty cup with water for later my eyes rose to the kitchen window. And I stared in wonder. With bubbling delight...it was raining. But even more, it wasn't only pouring down. It was not lightning. 

I could go raindancing!

There is a little girl inside of me that jumps up and down and squeals with unconcealed delight when surprised by this kind of love note. That runs outside despising the protection of an umbrella or raincoat and with no shoes. That flees the porch and the shelter of the trees...out into the full force to embrace the torrent.

As I stood there letting it wash over me and soak me through, I lifted my face to the western sky. It opened up and the setting sun shone through the droplets and a picture better than a master artists painting unfolded before my eyes. Words cannot describe. I was speechless. 

Behind me a rainbow appeared. The little girl squealed again and ran to the back of the house. My eyes followed the bow to its beginning. It cut through the horizon and landed in the field only two-hundred feet away. The little girl wanted to run and catch it. Hold it. So much of me believed I could. If I'd had shoes on I would have tried.

I would have tried to catch the end of the rainbow....

Why can't we catch the end of a rainbow?* 

"I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be 

for a token of a covenant between me and the earth."*

Because His love and covenant know no end.

O, then may no one ever catch the end of a rainbow!

Let there forever be more. 

And let me never find the end of His promises.

*I Googled it. It's impossible.

*Gen 9:13

Photo Credits: Mom & Dad

Even more...

The gifts of Jesus are ever fresh and new. The feast that He provides for the soul never fails to give satisfaction and joy. Each new gift increases the capacity of the receiver to appreciate and enjoy the blessings of the Lord. He gives grace for grace. There can be no failure of supply. If you abide in Him, the fact that you receive a rich gift today insures the reception of a richer gift tomorrow....With every fresh revelation of His love, He declares to the receptive heart, 

"Believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these." John 1:50. 

DA 148.3

He does not waste a thing

Since last time...

My study with Susannah and Cassie has been put off indefinitely. Susi went back to work after maternity leave and gets home late. Tried to find a different time that would work, but she said their schedules were just too busy for the summer and maybe we could start again in the fall. We'll see what happens. In the mean time I'll try to stay in touch.

Still studying with Ron and Sue. Jordan comes most of the time. Mark hasn't come back since the first study. I'm not sure what happened to him. Haven't asked for more details than I've gather from conversation.

I was gone the first week of April to OKFCM. I studied with them Sunday night before we left. In that study I did the gospel presentation and invited them to give their hearts and lives to God if they hadn't already. Ron took it fine. Sue seemed standoff-ish. "I thought I already did that?" I wasn't trying to tell her she hadn't! But I do think they haven't caught the full picture yet. I left feeling like I may be losing them. For the first time in this study, feeling like I had failed. And so we left for camp the next morning.

When we returned the next Monday I came down sick. I was in bed all day Tuesday. But if they wanted to I was willing to come. However they were sick too when I called. So we postponed a week. But the next week they were still sick. That was fine with me though because though I was well I was not well. For a variety of reasons I had come under a cloud of discouragement. But deeper than discouragement I was seeing the signs of depression in myself. It's not the first time I've struggled with it. I had no desire to prepare for a Bible study or go talk to people. I wasn't talking much to anyone! But the next week they were ready to start again. I scraped the Bible study together and put on the best pasted smile I could muster. I said the bare minimum and let my mom interject wherever she wanted. I had her open with prayer too and had Ron close. I felt like a complete hypocrite being there. The next week Ron called to say he was sick again with fever and all. So the third Bible study was called off. I still wasn't feeling any better so it was a relief. I'm just being honest. I'm human in case you were wondering. I'm not a saint. But God has this peculiar love for humans. And He wasn't giving up on me. I couldn't have gotten away from Him if I wanted. And you can't either.






Over the next two days though something happened. It was many things coming together and working together - friends, choices, change. By the time the next Bible study came I was back to normal and was ready to face it again. The study was on the Christian's source of power. We read verses about how Jesus lived and how He was our example. So we talked about prayer and Bible study and the basics of them. I told them the old Morris Venden idea, An apple tree grows apples because it is an apple tree, not in order to be one. We talked about John 15 and how we only ever hope to have fruit on our branches if we are connected to the vine. We talked about where to put our focus - on staying connected. And how do we do that? By looking at Jesus...constantly. And not on anything else. Including ourselves. And if we concentrate on staying connected to the Vine, the fruit will grow automatically.

"If you look at your life would you say there are apples growing on your tree?" I asked. This time Ron was the one in distress. "There used to be! But I lost what I had. And I want it back." Sue explained, "He tells me, 'I don't get it. Jenae is always so...you know...," and she started motioning her hands in a bubbling motion. "And he wants that back. Now!" She chuckled at his impatience. But I knew I had to confess. I couldn't let them go on believing I was all they thought I was, and that they could never have that, never be "what I was". And suddenly I looked back on the last month at the pile of ashes my life had become...and I saw beauty. I saw His hand taking every twisted thread and weaving each one into His tapestry. I felt the oil of joy for the mourning.

I held up my finger for Sue and Ron to listen. Little Jordan sat there watching it all. "Sue," I asked solemnly, "tell me, did you notice anything different about me at our last study?" I waited as she thought. "What was the last study? Jordan were you here that time? No, I don' think I noticed anything..." I wondered if she was just afraid to be honest. Then slowly she began to remember. "Well...yes, I guess I did. And I told Ron after you left. 'Something wasn't right about Jenae. She was...just...," and she folded her shoulders and slumped in her chair with a stone face. It was an all too true picture of what I looked like at that study. "I was trying my hardest to hide it, Sue. I was struggling with depression. Did you notice I didn't pray that time? I had taken my eyes off my Gardener and there were no apples growing on my tree." Sue and Ron sat there silent. "I'm just like you, I'm human. Oh please, if you want what you see growing on my tree as I come to share God's word with you, don't look at me. Look at the One who tends my tree. And I promise you, you will see apples growing on your tree too. I promise. You can have it back, Ron. But do apples grow over night?" He smiled laughing and shook his head, "No." "Then be patient with yourself. Will you take the challenge? Will you spend time everyday this week looking at Jesus? Talking to Him in prayer. Listening to Him in His word." Jordan nodded her head without hesitation. They all accepted the challenge. I encouraged them to press through even if the devil tried to throw things at them. "It is the most awesome experience you will have. As you look at Jesus you will suddenly see yourself changing, it seems without even trying to change. Because you aren't trying to make the apples grow on your tree. You're letting the Gardener grow them."

The study had ended at an hour, but we didn't leave for another hour. Talking. Encouraging. Sharing. Answering. Watching them pant after the water brooks.

But please, oh please! If I ever coveted your prayers it is this week. I know it's taken me two days to get this post up, but it's not too late. Our next study is on Tuesday. I made them a big promise in God's name. I am praying that God comes through in a big way. I want them to be grounded in Him. I want them to taste and see this all for themselves. I want them to get hooked. I want them to find the key and unlock the door to a new life. Please pray for them, will you?

They didn't seem to want to let us go. As Sue stood outside she told how she was going in to have a heart monitor put on. "The doctor told me what I really need to do is quite smoking. I know I do! I want to." She's tried before but without success. Pray for that too please. Thank you, friend!

Back at home I marveled at how God had not let a single thing be wasted. I needed some time to recover from somethings. To get back on track. But they needed to see I was real. I could have told them I've been discouraged before. I could have told them I wasn't perfect. But would they have believed me? Would they if they hadn't seen the difference taking my eyes off my Gardener had made in the me they'd known?

If the devil thought he'd won something over me in the last month, he only gave God more fuel for glory. And made me hunger and search and cry for more.

A thank you to those few friends who knew and stayed with me through the valley. I like the gloves my Gardener wears. :)

I feel so inadequate. I can see all the "rules" I'm breaking. I leave and I think, "Jordan's hardly been to a church. She has no clue about the Bible. Their still learning where the books are. How will she know where to look to read? How will she know where to hear Him? Where to get inspiration? I should have given her some ideas what to read!" I've debated whether to try to get a hold of her and see how she's doing and give her suggestions like starting with reading John. I don't know. But I know the since it's Him their looking for He can put Himself in their way too. I am praying He does. Lord, help my unbelief. I've just never promised something like this before. But God gave Hannah a son when Eli said He would!

I will do my best to update you after our next lesson Tuesday.

Look who He invited...

Did you ever connect who the VIP were at Jesus Last Supper? A bunch of pretty pathetic characters

arguing.

prideful.

oblivious.

hmm...

Maybe I have a chance?

I write this blog not as the result of a theological session of thought. But after coming out of a deep dark hole. One I've found myself in more times than I want to admit. Honestly I'd be embarrassed to let you see the far too often real me. Just please don't look at all. Keep your gaze on Him.

But back to supper.

I found the following video as a result of reading through old emails from a very close friend. Amazing how God can use someone to still get to you who isn't even there at the time.

So He thinks that of me too? I guess I need to stop finding a different place to lay my sleeping bag when I feel rotten.

But would He have invited me to supper?

Rev 3:20

Ya. I guess He would.

P.S. If you need a follow up? watch this one.

"It depends whose hands it's in..."

An interesting poem I came across while looking for illustrations for my Bible study this evening...


IT DEPENDS WHOSE HANDS IT’S IN


A basketball in my hands is worth about $19
A basketball in Michael Jordan’s hands is
worth about $33 million
It depends whose hands it’s in


A baseball in my hands is worth about $6
A baseball in Mark McGuire’s hands is worth $19 million
It depends whose hands it’s in


A tennis racket is useless in my hands
A tennis racket in Pete Sampras’ hands
is a Wimbledon Championship
It depends whose hands it’s in


A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal
A rod in Moses’ hands will part the mighty sea
It depends whose hands it’s in


A sling shot in my hands is a kid’s toy
A sling shot in David’s hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it’s in


Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands
is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God’s
hands will feed thousands It depends whose hands it’s in


Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse
Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands will produce
salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it’s in


As you see now it depends whose hands it’s in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears,
your hopes, your dreams, your families and
your relationships in God’s hands because


It depends whose hands it’s in.


(Author Unknown)