Red Hot Love

Written April 28, 2014

Sometimes I throw my head back and feast my eyes on the green grass and look up at the bursting crab apple blossoms on the tree. Life is full of beauty.

And life is messy. This world is too full of pain and evil. And I've asked often where God fits in. There are big questions. I ask them. I belive there are answers. 

One question...what about those old testament stories? Honestly, they have bother me. Love. Destruction. Mercy. Anger. How do they exist in one Being? A Being named Love?

I wrestle a lot with love. What does it mean? What is real love? How does it work? Is that really what it looks like sometimes? Can I trust it?

I'm not writing today to say I figured it out. I haven't. But I saw this today. And it helped make a little more sense of things. So I just wanted to share it with you...since we're on this journey together.

God assures me again that He is good in all He does. And it is love. He is Love.

Above the clouds

Thursday, September 4, 2014

If I take the wings of the morning...even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. Psalms139:9-10 NKJV

Relaxed in my seat, I watch the arteries of earth flow below me. It's an early morning flight. Beginning in darkness, the sky slowly yet so steadily brightens into dawn. The sun is behind me, but I can see its light caressing the clouds beneath me. They are a deep pink, such as only a sunrise can make. It is beautiful.

As we wing westward the clouds billow and grow into mountains of white, each with unique and fascinating character. I try to read or rest, but my eyes crave the view. This is one of my favorite places - above the clouds. Early mornings or full moons are even more special. It is like a whole 'nother world. Peaceful and calm. Quiet. As if it is just God and me meeting halfway between His home and mine. If only I could go all the way. Someday.

Beauty above the clouds. Is it not so? And can my mind and heart not escape here even when life teams around me and cares and troubles press? There is a place of beauty, peace, calm - above the clouds. And there the soft light of His presence illuminates the darkness earth throws about me. There He is. Thither He invites me.

Though for now my lot is on earth, my heart can abide with Him above the clouds. And what better than to have the best of both worlds - in heart at home with Him, and yet still on earth, able to reach my fellow men and invite them to this place of peace. This is why I live. My passion - to reunite those I meet on earth with the One whom their hearts search for; to help them find the beauty above the clouds.

I feel the nose tip down. We descend into Denver airport. I take another look out the window as the pink hue of dawn touches the Rockies. Soon life will again team around me. There's a long day ahead of me. But my heart stays with God above the clouds.

If I ascend into heaven, You are there. Psalms 139:8 NKJV

......

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Unbelief

He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths as through a pastureland. Psalm 106:9 (AMP)

This verse struck me. He turned the impassable impossibility into a meadow. And their terrified faces turned to expressions of amazement and joy. And after the roaring waves had crashed back down on there pursuing enemies they sang. (vs 10-12)

Soon they are on the boarder of a pleasant land. The one that has for generations been the promised possession of their people. Yet after all they have seen, they don't think He can give it to them. It's owned by impossibly powerful people!

It was unbelief that kept them out for another 40 years...wandering in the wilderness.

The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn't believe his promise to care for them.  (vs 24 NLT)

At one point in the saga it says, They traded their glorious God for a statue of a grass-eating bull. (v. 20 NLT)

They sound like a pretty dumb and wretched bunch...

Until you remember the times you've traded your glorious God for a "grass-eating bull".

No. We're not much better.

How many times have I lived doubt? Doubt that God could take care of me? Doubt that He would even want to? It's called unbelief. And it kept them out of the promised land. And it could be keeping me out too.

For forty years did unbelief, murmuring, and rebellion shut out ancient Israel from the land of Canaan. The same sins have delayed the entrance of modern Israel into the heavenly Canaan. Ev 696.2

This point comes out to me over and over again in the Bible.

And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:58

So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest. Hebrews 3:19

But there is hope! A father once struggled with unbelief. But Jesus did not send Him away. He only asked that he express his belief and show his faith, mustard seed though it was. And with that faith the Savior commanded demons to flee. And they did.

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Mar 9:23-24 KJV

When thoughts of unbelief and distrust come to you, remember that silence is eloquence. Speak no words of unbelief, for such words are as seeds that will spring up and bear fruit. CTr 120.6 

Cast yourself at His feet with the cry, "Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." You can never perish while you do this--never. DA 429.1

Never.

Oh Father, forgive my unbelief, and may I never again turn from you to a grass-eating bull. 

Red Sea

They had cried. He had heard. The Cloud shields them as they make their escape. Moses hand's raise and the water rushes back. Through a miraculous path they flee as children through a secret passage. Hearts slowing with at least a bit of relief. Ah, they see what He's doing now. He is mighty after all. The last one crosses safe.

But horror grips them with multiplied fear as they see the Mighty One seems to have left the secret door a jar. Their enemy is charging at them once again...on the very same miraculous path! Why? How could He? What is He thinking?

Sometimes it seems God opens a way of escape just to let the enemy pursue me on that same path. What is He thinking?

Much greater things than I had imagined.

Sometimes instead of sending a defeated army home...He just decides to drown them.

I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: 

the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. 

The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation:

He is my God...

The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; 

my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters. 

For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, 

and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; 

but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

Who is like unto thee, O Lord , among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation. 

Fear and dread shall fall upon [the enemy]; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, 

till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

(Exodus 15:1, 2, 9-11, 13, 16, 19 KJV)

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

Lean Hard

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;

I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;

Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to thine unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.' Here lay it down, nor fear

To impose it on a shoulder which upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;

So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.

Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;

But loving Me, lean hard.

From Streams in the Desert

By Mrs. L. B. Cowman - Missionary to China and Japan

Available on iTunes and highly recommended

Even more...

The gifts of Jesus are ever fresh and new. The feast that He provides for the soul never fails to give satisfaction and joy. Each new gift increases the capacity of the receiver to appreciate and enjoy the blessings of the Lord. He gives grace for grace. There can be no failure of supply. If you abide in Him, the fact that you receive a rich gift today insures the reception of a richer gift tomorrow....With every fresh revelation of His love, He declares to the receptive heart, 

"Believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these." John 1:50. 

DA 148.3

Look who He invited...

Did you ever connect who the VIP were at Jesus Last Supper? A bunch of pretty pathetic characters

arguing.

prideful.

oblivious.

hmm...

Maybe I have a chance?

I write this blog not as the result of a theological session of thought. But after coming out of a deep dark hole. One I've found myself in more times than I want to admit. Honestly I'd be embarrassed to let you see the far too often real me. Just please don't look at all. Keep your gaze on Him.

But back to supper.

I found the following video as a result of reading through old emails from a very close friend. Amazing how God can use someone to still get to you who isn't even there at the time.

So He thinks that of me too? I guess I need to stop finding a different place to lay my sleeping bag when I feel rotten.

But would He have invited me to supper?

Rev 3:20

Ya. I guess He would.

P.S. If you need a follow up? watch this one.

Lake Michigan

A last minute trip to the dunes at Lake Michigan. Walking along the beach discovering hundreds of rocks of all unique shapes and sizes and colors. Watching the waves toss and roll pebbles until they pushed them up to the shore. Listening to the roar of each wave as it crashed into the beach. The power of the water.

The sand. Realizing how many times God's thoughts turn to me. Battling my way up the side of a dune. Feeling the wind at the top and watching it bury my friends foot in the sand. Running back down the side of the slope. Jumping and rolling. The height of the dune.

Watching the sun slip slowly below the watery horizon. Sitting in the soft fiery glow of the painted sky. Sitting beside my friend.

Reveling in the spring like weather on a January evening. Opening the windows in the morning and hearing a robin singing his melody. The words of friends. A poem. Rereading a chapter to someone and being struck again by its message to my situation. Thinking about how God has led. How He has blessed. His love and mercy. His kindness. His understanding and gentleness with my humanness. Feeling Him so close. Hearing Him speak so clearly, almost audibly. Leading to trust completely. Learning to give all my dreams to Him. Embracing the fire.

Overwhelmed...

A word that has too often in my life described me. But this time it's in a good way.

The 5 weeks since I left AFCOE have been very full. From GYC, to lessons at home, to talks with friends, to new revelations of God, to an amazing blessing that I truly feel I have not room enough to receive!

I find myself at the dining room table of dear friends. Friends who have given without asking in return. Friends who will never know how much their kindness means to me.

I love surprises. And I got to give a big one this weekend! I'm in Michigan visiting more friends than I even knew I had up here. :) Last Friday night Abigail walked into vespers with no clue I would be there. Her reaction was priceless. My AFCOE classmate, Christian Smith, was quite taken back to see me walk into church. Other friends didn't even believe it could be me and had to ask what my name was.

Things don't just happen...

Friday I "happened" to run into a friend at PMC when Glesni and I "happened" to be there for her to practice the organ. Dana "happened" to invite me to come with her to her Muslim Relations class and to the Mosque afterwards. I skipped the class, but at the last minute went with them to the Mosque. Sitting there all wrapped up in my head scarf I figured it was just an interesting experience. However, the next day during the Louis Torres training weekend being held at the Hartford church... Abby and I went on outreach together. We "happened" to be given this particular territory. We only had less an hour and knew we'd only probably be able to finish one street. We "happened" to decide to start at the far end of one of the streets. While standing out side the van picking which side we would take and which side Glesni and her team would take a lady opened he door and called out, "No, thank you. We're not interested. We are Muslim." My mouth dropped open. The Mosque! I wished so bad I could have talked to her. She hadn't even given us a chance to say who we were or what we were doing! But she had said no to Glesni's team. Not me! :) "Abby, would you go back with me if I went and tried to talk to that lady?" With a little fear and trepidation Abby agreed to go. Before we got to the door she opened it and pleasantly repeated to us her rejection. But I started talking immediately and excitedly told her I had just visited a Mosque for the first time the day before. "Oh really?" she replied. I told her who we were and that we were doing a survey to discover the needs in the community and that there were a variety of things on there some of which she may be interested in..."like health and family!" :) She readily took the survey and filled it out and checked for the health classes. While she scratched away I talked to her little girl peering up at us from just inside the door. I asked her if she liked the snow and if she'd gotten to play in it. She replied with a nod and a smile. "Have you made a snowman yet?" I asked with enthusiasm. "No, it's too cold," she explained. "I haven't built a snowman in a long time!" I said, "Do you think I'm too big to build snowmen?" She thought about that for a moment and then shyly gave a nod. Abby and I giggled and told each other later that we would build a snowman with each other! The mother handed the survey back. We thanked her for her time and said good bye.

It all just happened, right? :) I think not. I was thrilled and look back and see how God had orchestrated events and circumstances to culminate in that meeting. You know, I had the chance of coming to MI in February instead of this week. :)

I am blessed... And I'm only 3 days into this adventure! By the way, we got 30+ Bible study requests from 20+ teams out of less than an hour of knocking on doors. According to those who have been here for a while, that has never been seen. A true miracle they say. Christian Smith now has 55 Bible study leads to follow up on. I'm going to join him when he goes out this Thursday to visit some of them. Can't wait!

Anxious?

My first week off school has been kind of rough. I now have to put into real life practice the lessons God taught me through the last four months. I haven't had the greatest start at it. But I can say we are making progress. My biggest fear has been the future. I feel like I just flew off the end of a cliff and I don't know where to land. I don't know where God wants me to be. What am I supposed to do with everything I just learned? I need to start classes for ASL soon. I have no job prospects. How am I going to pay my bills and afford school? So my thoughts were turning anxious as they so often do. It is my struggle. I think God is purposely putting me in straight places to get me to relax in His hands. Has He ever failed me yet? No. So what am I worried about? Good question. There are things I'm worried about, but they still are not good excuses.

I confess I have kept late nights lately and have spent a lot of time thinking in those dark hours. It has only created knots in my stomach and burdens. So this morning in my quiet time God decided to speak straight to me. I just finished the book I had been reading for devotions (God In Pain. A must read!). So I was browsing through devotionals looking for what I should study. I was headed to study more of my new pet-topic the knowledge of God. As I open the Bible software I noticed the Morning and Evening Reading devotional by C. H. Spurgeon. {chuckles} God couldn't make it any clearer. Look for yourself.

Morning, December 19 - 


         “The lot is cast into the lap, but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord.” 
                                                                                             — Proverbs 16:33


If the disposal of the lot is the Lord’s whose is the arrangement of our whole life? If the simple casting of a lot is guided by him, how much more the events of our entire life—especially when we are told by our blessed Saviour: “The very hairs of your head are all numbered: not a sparrow falleth to the ground without your Father.” It would bring a holy calm over your mind, dear friend, if you were always to remember this. It would so relieve your mind from anxiety, that you would be the better able to walk in patience, quiet, and cheerfulness as a Christian should. When a man is anxious he cannot pray with faith; when he is troubled about the world, he cannot serve his Master, his thoughts are serving himself. If you would “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,” all things would then be added unto you. You are meddling with Christ’s business, and neglecting your own when you fret about your lot and circumstances. You have been trying “providing” work and forgetting that it is yours to obey. Be wise and attend to the obeying, and let Christ manage the providing. Come and survey your Father’s storehouse, and ask whether he will let you starve while he has laid up so great an abundance in his garner? Look at his heart of mercy; see if that can ever prove unkind! Look at his inscrutable wisdom; see if that will ever be at fault. Above all, look up to Jesus Christ your Intercessor, and ask yourself, while he pleads, can your Father deal ungraciously with you? If he remembers even sparrows, will he forget one of the least of his poor children? “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain thee. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved.” 

         My soul, rest happy in thy low estate,

         Nor hope nor wish to be esteem’d or great;

         To take the impress of the Will Divine,

         Be that thy glory, and those riches thine.

Spurgeon, C. H. (2006). Morning and evening : Daily readings (Complete and unabridged; New modern edition.). Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.

Fear the Lord...

"If there is any man who fears the Lord, he shall be shown the path that he should choose."
Psalm 25:12, NEB

What a beautiful promise! Where should we put our efforts then? Trying to decide which path to choose? Nay! Rather our striving should be to fear the Lord. And when the path through which He leads seems impassable, do not be dismayed. Only trust Him. Claim His promise and move forward.

"When we cannot see our way
Let us trust and still obey;
He who bids us forward go
Cannot fail the way to show.
Though the sea be deep and wide,
Though a passage seem denied,
Fearless let us still proceed,
Since the Lord vouchsafes to lead."
-Anonymous