The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Positivity

Positivity is a good thing. I think we would all agree on that. It is powerful. But positivity alone is not enough. Have you noticed one of the most optimistic people to have ever lived is also the most evil person who has ever lived?

The devil has touted for over six thousand years, against all evidence, that he will win this war. He even knows now that he will not, but he refuses to admit it or back down. He has optimism down pat. And he has convinced a lot of people that he is right against all the evidence through out history.

No matter how positive you are about something, if it is a lie your optimism will not make it right. You must be positive about truth. You must be optimistic about what is reality.

And one thing I know is truth is that the dragon has never ever, not once won a battle with the King. He lost the most important battle on the bloody hill of calvary. Now all that remains is for his kingdom and its effects to be irradiated forever.

Sure, we look around us, even inward to our own lives, and sometimes it appears as though God is losing battles, sometimes as if He is not even putting up a fight. But that isn’t true. His infallible Word promises that He is fighting and will win overwhelmingly. (The only thing the devil can win is a human heart that surrenders itself to him and doesn’t let God fight for it. Something to take seriously.) The war is not over yet. It may take a while for truth to be seen with our eyes. We live by faith after all. But when it is all said and done, truth will triumph and every story in which the enemy appears now to have won will have the last line written. They are only unfinished stories.

Every situation, every apparent triumph of the Serpent that is given to the Prince of Love and Captain of the Lord’s host will become a trophy of grace. Every one.

And that is something you can be positive about.

But Love Said...

Written November 23, 2013

Evil said "I will steal the summer and bring cold winds whipping through. And pierce them with winters, icy blasts."

But Love said "But I will give them fire. And as they draw close to it, it warming them through, I will remind them that in me they will find warmth against the icy blasts of the world."

Evil said "I will strip the trees bare and leave their ugly skeletons." 

But Love said "But before they give up their green life I will turn them colors of the rainbow to cheer the hearts of earth. And it will remind them that there is beauty even in death. And to let Love show His colors in you to your last breath, is to live and to bless the lives of others."

Evil said "I will send ice and snow to stay their way and chill them to the bone."

But Love said "I will make the billion snowflakes each unique. As unique as every child I've fashioned that they may know their preciousness to me. And I will set a million diamonds sparkling across the frozen scape to dazzle their eyes. And it will show them that even when all seems cold and lifeless I will set diamonds in them that will shine with my beauty."

Evil said, "I will lengthen the shadows and drag the dark winter night on and on."

But Love said, "I will make the moon to shine with breathtaking beauty across the blanketed land. As they look up in the crisp air through silhouetted branches to stellar sky above and all the stars twinkling brighter, I will remind my children it is often in their darkest night when my beauty shines brightest. And there is no night so long that it is not broken with morning."

Evil said, "I will bring dark clouds, gray and gloom."

But Love said, "And if in the long night dark clouds block their view, I will remind them the stars still shine behind the clouds. And they will shine again. I will shine again. For I am Love. Stronger than death."

Love had the last word. 

What do I know?

April 11, 2014

Sometimes I have more questions than answers. More thoughts than words. More tears than cheers. Sometimes I get scared. A lot. Not of my Jesus. Not of my God. But of me. I'm scared of me. So much spins around in this world. In my world. In my head. What do I know? Sometimes it feels like I'm walking and I'm blacking out. Going blind. I sit watching the moon at 11 o'clock at night. Holding on. Tears. Reciting His words. "A little while and you will not see me." But "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He promised. So even though I can't see Him, and it scares me sometimes, I close my eyes and see Him right beside me. Holding my hand... I'll be ok...

What do I know? A few things. A lot of confusing things. But one thing I think about often. 
God is Love. 

What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of big. But I have some really good friends. And a really nice mom and dad. And I think it means God's even better than them. I think I can take a deep breath and go to sleep. I can trust them. I can trust Him. I put myself in His invisible hands... I'll be ok... 

There are souls perplexed with doubt, burdened with infirmities, weak in faith, and unable to grasp the Unseen; but a friend whom they can see, coming to them in Christ’s stead, can be a connecting link to fasten their trembling faith upon Christ.

DA 297.2

Feelings

 from January 22, 2014 (unrevised)
(note: some words are from my own dictionary)

Does it ever happen to you? You wake up and look outside and discover that the little imp of irritableness is sitting on your porch swing. What is he doing here? You open the door and shoo him away. But he again returns like a pesky fly that just won't be caught.

Something in the air just doesn't feel right. Where did my sense of His presence and sweet spirit go? What happened to the connection? I suppose there could be as many potential causes and variations as there are of us. Sometimes I can't identify a cause. It's just as if a cloud blotted out my Sun and I have to keep walking by faith. I don't always do so well.

Some mornings I find myself feeling tired and less than excited to focus on quiet time with God. After postponing the parting with my bed it's even more tempting to suffice with a simple devotional and prayer. After all I've already missed my time, there's lots to do, and I better stay on schedule. (What a convenient time to pull out the "schedule" card.) I won't be able to focus anyway with all the to-dos on my mind now. Right?

Well I've tried this method more times than I'd like to admit and though I may accomplish things the problem of little imp irritable is rarely solved. In fact he may end up succeeding in having a friend or two over. Darling distraction perhaps or sir self-reliance. It doesn't end well.

So this morning I find myself in such a place. Something is different inside. Can't put a finger on it but I know the feeling. And I don't like it. I turn my face towards the devotional-and-stay-on-schedule path. But this time something stops me. Why rush? Why do I think that will help matters? Perhaps it is a few phrases in my devotional reading that triggers it.

“Called aside—
Perhaps into a desert garden dim;
And yet not alone, when thou hast been with Him,
And heard His voice in sweetest accents say:
“Child, wilt thou not with Me this still hour stay?”

And then thoughts start meshing. What could it hurt to buckle down and take my unrushed time with Him? Others may have to wait on me, but why punish my Savior for my falling behind schedule?  Why focus on the fact that I'm irritable and try to wrestle it myself? *recall family worship* "Look not to self, but to Christ." MH 65.4

Further reflection. "It is not wise to look to ourselves and study our emotions. If we do this, the enemy will present difficulties and temptations that weaken faith and destroy courage. Closely to study our emotions and give way to our feelings is to entertain doubt and entangle ourselves in perplexity. We are to look away from self to Jesus." MH 249.4

Feelings are a poor gage for our status with God. Don't give them time. "At times a deep sense of our unworthiness will send a thrill of terror through the soul; but this is no evidence that God has changed toward us, or we toward God. No effort should be made to rein the mind up to a certain intensity of emotion. We may not feel today the peace and joy which we felt yesterday; but we should by faith grasp the hand of Christ, and trust him as fully in the darkness as in the light." RH, May 3, 1881. – {PH048 30.3}

And so I feel un-Christian and disconnected. What does that matter? Should it keep me away from Jesus? Or do I need Him more? Will He not be compassionate? "But the centurion said of himself, 'I am not worthy.' Yet he did not fear to ask help from Jesus. Not to his own goodness did he trust, but to the Saviour’s mercy. His only argument was his great need. Do you feel that because you are a sinner you cannot hope to receive blessing from God? Remember that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We have nothing to recommend us to God; the plea that we may urge now and ever is our utterly helpless condition, which makes His redeeming power a necessity. Renouncing all self-dependence, we may look to the cross of Calvary and say: 'In my hand no price I bring; Simply to Thy cross I cling.'” MH 65

Will He not deal with the imps and darlings? "In Christ, God has provided means for subduing every evil trait and resisting every temptation, however strong." MH 65.4

The song for worship.
"On the Rock of Ages founded,
What can shake thy sure repose?
With salvation's wall surrounded,
Thou mayst smile at all thy foes."

"We may be shut in by the promises of God, which will be as a wall of fire about us." Signs of the Times, May 22, 1884. – {PH048 39.1}

Leave your emotions to Jesus. "As a faithful physician, the world’s Redeemer has his finger upon the pulse of the soul. He marks every beat; he takes note of every throb. Not an emotion thrills it; not a sorrow shades it; not a sin stains it; not a thought or purpose passes through it, with which he is not acquainted. Man was purchased at an infinite cost, and is loved with a devotion exceeding that which a father feels for his child. The prayer that comes from a sincere heart will ever find a response in heaven." Signs of the Times, December 3, 1896. – {PH048 40.3}

You know in all my quarter of a century, this feels like the first time it's all come together. I don't know why. I've read all this over and again. But this morning was a bit of an epiphany. I'm thankful that my Jesus is patient while I learn.

Today I chose to give Him the best of my time. Today I chose to look away from self to Jesus. Today I chose to walk by faith not feeling and trust that the Sun still shines behind the clouds...and it will return.

And here's the promise. "...by persevering effort, habit will finally make it easy." {PH048 34.4}

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?

Red Sea

They had cried. He had heard. The Cloud shields them as they make their escape. Moses hand's raise and the water rushes back. Through a miraculous path they flee as children through a secret passage. Hearts slowing with at least a bit of relief. Ah, they see what He's doing now. He is mighty after all. The last one crosses safe.

But horror grips them with multiplied fear as they see the Mighty One seems to have left the secret door a jar. Their enemy is charging at them once again...on the very same miraculous path! Why? How could He? What is He thinking?

Sometimes it seems God opens a way of escape just to let the enemy pursue me on that same path. What is He thinking?

Much greater things than I had imagined.

Sometimes instead of sending a defeated army home...He just decides to drown them.

I will sing unto the Lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: 

the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. 

The Lord is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation:

He is my God...

The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; 

my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters. 

For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, 

and the Lord brought again the waters of the sea upon them; 

but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea.

Who is like unto thee, O Lord , among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders? Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation. 

Fear and dread shall fall upon [the enemy]; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O Lord, 

till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

(Exodus 15:1, 2, 9-11, 13, 16, 19 KJV)

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

Thoughts on Love

Love. 

It fascinates me. A small word with many varied and often conflicting definitions. A word so distorted in our world. 

Yet it is still the word that my God chooses to describe the very essence of Himself. And He is as misunderstood as the word itself.

Love has been a big part of my life. His power over me has been something I only understood with the passing of time. But He has convinced me. He said His love is the only thing that can change me. And He was right. And it is changing me.

How to explain all that I want to... It is too much. Some of it cannot be explained. A few of you will understand. It can only be experienced. And oh I pray you will let Love convince you too! Please?

But Love changing you is not enough for Him. Once Love has made His dwelling in our hearts He desires to flow out. And the mighty power of His love is channeled through our lives to work the same unbelievable changes in the world around us as happened in our own lives. Such a small thing love is. But it is greater than the greatest empire, stronger than the army man, and will win where all else has lost.

"...the excellence and value of pure love consist in its efficiency to do good, and to do nothing else than good. Love will gain the victory when argument and authority are powerless. It is diffusive in its nature, and quiet in its operation, yet strong, mighty, to overcome great evils. It is melting and transforming in its influence, and will take hold of the lives of the sinful and affect their hearts when every other means has proved unsuccessful."

And our merciful Father values it highly.

"Love works not for profit nor reward; yet God has ordained that great gain shall be the certain result of every labor of love. Whatsoever is done out of pure love, be it ever so little or contemptible in the sight of men, is wholly fruitful; for God regards more with how much love one worketh, than the amount he doeth."

"Love should be cherished and cultivated, for its influence is divine."

Let Him love. 

Let Him live. 

Quotes from Gospel Workers 311, 312

Lean Hard

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;

I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;

Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to thine unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.' Here lay it down, nor fear

To impose it on a shoulder which upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;

So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.

Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;

But loving Me, lean hard.

From Streams in the Desert

By Mrs. L. B. Cowman - Missionary to China and Japan

Available on iTunes and highly recommended

To catch the end of a rainbow

It's been so dry. I miss the rain. We've been praying for rain.

But the lyrics of a certain song have been playing through my mind and escaping my lips of late. And I was finding joy even in the blazing sun. In these thoughts I left my editing and went down for the supper call.

As I refilled my empty cup with water for later my eyes rose to the kitchen window. And I stared in wonder. With bubbling delight...it was raining. But even more, it wasn't only pouring down. It was not lightning. 

I could go raindancing!

There is a little girl inside of me that jumps up and down and squeals with unconcealed delight when surprised by this kind of love note. That runs outside despising the protection of an umbrella or raincoat and with no shoes. That flees the porch and the shelter of the trees...out into the full force to embrace the torrent.

As I stood there letting it wash over me and soak me through, I lifted my face to the western sky. It opened up and the setting sun shone through the droplets and a picture better than a master artists painting unfolded before my eyes. Words cannot describe. I was speechless. 

Behind me a rainbow appeared. The little girl squealed again and ran to the back of the house. My eyes followed the bow to its beginning. It cut through the horizon and landed in the field only two-hundred feet away. The little girl wanted to run and catch it. Hold it. So much of me believed I could. If I'd had shoes on I would have tried.

I would have tried to catch the end of the rainbow....

Why can't we catch the end of a rainbow?* 

"I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be 

for a token of a covenant between me and the earth."*

Because His love and covenant know no end.

O, then may no one ever catch the end of a rainbow!

Let there forever be more. 

And let me never find the end of His promises.

*I Googled it. It's impossible.

*Gen 9:13

Photo Credits: Mom & Dad

Even more...

The gifts of Jesus are ever fresh and new. The feast that He provides for the soul never fails to give satisfaction and joy. Each new gift increases the capacity of the receiver to appreciate and enjoy the blessings of the Lord. He gives grace for grace. There can be no failure of supply. If you abide in Him, the fact that you receive a rich gift today insures the reception of a richer gift tomorrow....With every fresh revelation of His love, He declares to the receptive heart, 

"Believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these." John 1:50. 

DA 148.3

He does not waste a thing

Since last time...

My study with Susannah and Cassie has been put off indefinitely. Susi went back to work after maternity leave and gets home late. Tried to find a different time that would work, but she said their schedules were just too busy for the summer and maybe we could start again in the fall. We'll see what happens. In the mean time I'll try to stay in touch.

Still studying with Ron and Sue. Jordan comes most of the time. Mark hasn't come back since the first study. I'm not sure what happened to him. Haven't asked for more details than I've gather from conversation.

I was gone the first week of April to OKFCM. I studied with them Sunday night before we left. In that study I did the gospel presentation and invited them to give their hearts and lives to God if they hadn't already. Ron took it fine. Sue seemed standoff-ish. "I thought I already did that?" I wasn't trying to tell her she hadn't! But I do think they haven't caught the full picture yet. I left feeling like I may be losing them. For the first time in this study, feeling like I had failed. And so we left for camp the next morning.

When we returned the next Monday I came down sick. I was in bed all day Tuesday. But if they wanted to I was willing to come. However they were sick too when I called. So we postponed a week. But the next week they were still sick. That was fine with me though because though I was well I was not well. For a variety of reasons I had come under a cloud of discouragement. But deeper than discouragement I was seeing the signs of depression in myself. It's not the first time I've struggled with it. I had no desire to prepare for a Bible study or go talk to people. I wasn't talking much to anyone! But the next week they were ready to start again. I scraped the Bible study together and put on the best pasted smile I could muster. I said the bare minimum and let my mom interject wherever she wanted. I had her open with prayer too and had Ron close. I felt like a complete hypocrite being there. The next week Ron called to say he was sick again with fever and all. So the third Bible study was called off. I still wasn't feeling any better so it was a relief. I'm just being honest. I'm human in case you were wondering. I'm not a saint. But God has this peculiar love for humans. And He wasn't giving up on me. I couldn't have gotten away from Him if I wanted. And you can't either.






Over the next two days though something happened. It was many things coming together and working together - friends, choices, change. By the time the next Bible study came I was back to normal and was ready to face it again. The study was on the Christian's source of power. We read verses about how Jesus lived and how He was our example. So we talked about prayer and Bible study and the basics of them. I told them the old Morris Venden idea, An apple tree grows apples because it is an apple tree, not in order to be one. We talked about John 15 and how we only ever hope to have fruit on our branches if we are connected to the vine. We talked about where to put our focus - on staying connected. And how do we do that? By looking at Jesus...constantly. And not on anything else. Including ourselves. And if we concentrate on staying connected to the Vine, the fruit will grow automatically.

"If you look at your life would you say there are apples growing on your tree?" I asked. This time Ron was the one in distress. "There used to be! But I lost what I had. And I want it back." Sue explained, "He tells me, 'I don't get it. Jenae is always so...you know...," and she started motioning her hands in a bubbling motion. "And he wants that back. Now!" She chuckled at his impatience. But I knew I had to confess. I couldn't let them go on believing I was all they thought I was, and that they could never have that, never be "what I was". And suddenly I looked back on the last month at the pile of ashes my life had become...and I saw beauty. I saw His hand taking every twisted thread and weaving each one into His tapestry. I felt the oil of joy for the mourning.

I held up my finger for Sue and Ron to listen. Little Jordan sat there watching it all. "Sue," I asked solemnly, "tell me, did you notice anything different about me at our last study?" I waited as she thought. "What was the last study? Jordan were you here that time? No, I don' think I noticed anything..." I wondered if she was just afraid to be honest. Then slowly she began to remember. "Well...yes, I guess I did. And I told Ron after you left. 'Something wasn't right about Jenae. She was...just...," and she folded her shoulders and slumped in her chair with a stone face. It was an all too true picture of what I looked like at that study. "I was trying my hardest to hide it, Sue. I was struggling with depression. Did you notice I didn't pray that time? I had taken my eyes off my Gardener and there were no apples growing on my tree." Sue and Ron sat there silent. "I'm just like you, I'm human. Oh please, if you want what you see growing on my tree as I come to share God's word with you, don't look at me. Look at the One who tends my tree. And I promise you, you will see apples growing on your tree too. I promise. You can have it back, Ron. But do apples grow over night?" He smiled laughing and shook his head, "No." "Then be patient with yourself. Will you take the challenge? Will you spend time everyday this week looking at Jesus? Talking to Him in prayer. Listening to Him in His word." Jordan nodded her head without hesitation. They all accepted the challenge. I encouraged them to press through even if the devil tried to throw things at them. "It is the most awesome experience you will have. As you look at Jesus you will suddenly see yourself changing, it seems without even trying to change. Because you aren't trying to make the apples grow on your tree. You're letting the Gardener grow them."

The study had ended at an hour, but we didn't leave for another hour. Talking. Encouraging. Sharing. Answering. Watching them pant after the water brooks.

But please, oh please! If I ever coveted your prayers it is this week. I know it's taken me two days to get this post up, but it's not too late. Our next study is on Tuesday. I made them a big promise in God's name. I am praying that God comes through in a big way. I want them to be grounded in Him. I want them to taste and see this all for themselves. I want them to get hooked. I want them to find the key and unlock the door to a new life. Please pray for them, will you?

They didn't seem to want to let us go. As Sue stood outside she told how she was going in to have a heart monitor put on. "The doctor told me what I really need to do is quite smoking. I know I do! I want to." She's tried before but without success. Pray for that too please. Thank you, friend!

Back at home I marveled at how God had not let a single thing be wasted. I needed some time to recover from somethings. To get back on track. But they needed to see I was real. I could have told them I've been discouraged before. I could have told them I wasn't perfect. But would they have believed me? Would they if they hadn't seen the difference taking my eyes off my Gardener had made in the me they'd known?

If the devil thought he'd won something over me in the last month, he only gave God more fuel for glory. And made me hunger and search and cry for more.

A thank you to those few friends who knew and stayed with me through the valley. I like the gloves my Gardener wears. :)

I feel so inadequate. I can see all the "rules" I'm breaking. I leave and I think, "Jordan's hardly been to a church. She has no clue about the Bible. Their still learning where the books are. How will she know where to look to read? How will she know where to hear Him? Where to get inspiration? I should have given her some ideas what to read!" I've debated whether to try to get a hold of her and see how she's doing and give her suggestions like starting with reading John. I don't know. But I know the since it's Him their looking for He can put Himself in their way too. I am praying He does. Lord, help my unbelief. I've just never promised something like this before. But God gave Hannah a son when Eli said He would!

I will do my best to update you after our next lesson Tuesday.

Look who He invited...

Did you ever connect who the VIP were at Jesus Last Supper? A bunch of pretty pathetic characters

arguing.

prideful.

oblivious.

hmm...

Maybe I have a chance?

I write this blog not as the result of a theological session of thought. But after coming out of a deep dark hole. One I've found myself in more times than I want to admit. Honestly I'd be embarrassed to let you see the far too often real me. Just please don't look at all. Keep your gaze on Him.

But back to supper.

I found the following video as a result of reading through old emails from a very close friend. Amazing how God can use someone to still get to you who isn't even there at the time.

So He thinks that of me too? I guess I need to stop finding a different place to lay my sleeping bag when I feel rotten.

But would He have invited me to supper?

Rev 3:20

Ya. I guess He would.

P.S. If you need a follow up? watch this one.

Bible studies

I have too much to say as usual. And not enough time or energy to say it all. But that's ok because most of you probably wouldn't have enough time to read it. Life. Anyone ever heard the word busy? :)

Update...I have two Bible studies going. Together they add up to 6 people. The first is with two mom's, Susanna and Cassie. Susanna has two little boys, Owen (18mths old) and Oliver (1moth old). Cassie has a little boy Bennet (6mths old). It's a challenge to say the least. I switched the lessons I was using because the first set was taking too long to get through between caring for the precious little ones. So now we are using the series by Karen Lewis, Lifting Up Jesus. I really like these studies. Last night however it felt like Susi and Cassie weren't able to concentrate at all with the little ones. They boys are really quite good for their age. But they have needs that can't wait. It was a bit discouraging as I don't see it getting any easier in the future and this seems to be the only time they can study. But they appear to enjoy the studies and are learning. My other challenge with this one is that Susi uses the NIV and Cassie uses NLT. Both of which have discrepancies in translating chapters on prophecy. This last week Cassie couldn't find her Bible. So she brought her grandma's Bible. It's a Catholic Bible. :) I tried to suggest maybe it would be easier for all of us to use the NKJV since that's what the studies use. They said, "Oh it's fine. I'm following along no problem." *sigh* We study at 7pm CT on Wednesday evenings.

The other study is with Sue, Ron, Mark, and Jordan (a 13y/o neighbor girl of Sue's). I haven't figured out how the other three are related or if they are. Sue bought three books from me when I canvassed last summer. Read that story here under the July 12 section. Ron and Sue live together, but I don't know if they're married or not. They are rural folk through and through. Sue lost her mom last year who she studied the Bible with fairly regularly. They live rather poorly, but I am anxious to see what God will do in their lives. They are incredibly sincere! Jordan has heard next to nothing about religion. She lives with her grandma I gather, who has no interest in it. Jordan wanted to go to church when she was little, but grandma wouldn't take her. So Sue said she's kind of given up. But I think these Bible studies have the potential to bring back the spark and actually answer the questions no one else has taken the time to answer for her. She is bright, but very clueless about the Bible. So it has been a good challenge for me to bring everything down into very simple language and have to give background to every story I tell and every point I make. One thing though, she can read KJV!! A+ for her. :)

Their study is on Tuesdays. We had our second study this week. Mark was gone in TX, but he'd written an opening prayer and left it with a request that I read it at the beginning of the study. He's the most vocal in the study. This first week he was falling asleep a couple times. They all smoke. I can feel it in my lungs when I leave. Ron admitted this last week that he is an alcoholic after I'd mentioned it in an illustration I used. They are so open. Mark the first week said he had once had an experience with God. "It was the most amazing feeling," he said. "Do you want that again, Mark?" I asked. "Oh yeah! That's why I'm here," he immediately responded.

I am humbled by them. I am realizing each week how tremendously privileged I am. It is an awesome thing to present the gospel to people for the first time. Next week I will invite them to ask God into their lives. Pray for them. Sue is struggling. She said she's lost in all the "thee" and "thou" of the KJV. I told her to get a NKJV and it would be a little easier, but promised her that it would get easier the more we studied. She asked why God had so many people killed in the OT. That is a hard question to answer. I did my best. I told her that God never destroys anyone with out giving them chance after chance to accept Him and be freed from the evil that is destroying them. And that is just it, often it is our own actions that bring on destruction. I also explained to her a hazelnut shell version of the great controversy and told her that the devil likes to put his character on God and make us think that God is out to destroy us. But really everything God does is in an effort to save us from the devil. She seemed satisfied for now, but the question still hangs. I don't profess to understand the commands to kill whole nations in the OT either. But I know too much about God love to doubt that He had a plan and it was all mixed with as much mercy as it could be.

Last week Ron pulled down a dusty picture frame off the living room wall with pictures of Jordan as a little girl in it and a drawing she did when she was I think 4y/o. I was stunned. God has a foothold in this little girl. With hardly any knowledge of the Bible and only the answers to the questions she'd asked Ron and Sue (who don't really know much more at this point, only the traditional Christian's knowledge) she had drawn a picture of Jesus and God on a cloud. God is saying to Jesus, "I'm glad you're back." Jesus is saying, "I'm going to get the people." I want this little girl to be there with a smile on her face when He comes to get her! This week she had gotten in trouble at school and was grounded in definitely. I need extra angels to keep that girl out of trouble or at least not grounded! She needs to be in these studies.

Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I feel so inadequate. And I procrastinate so much. Last night I was about in tears. But God is merciful. And He figures out ways to send some of you with encouragement and reminders of His control over all and His love...at just the right time. When these people accept Jesus, you will have been a big part of it. I may be on the front line, but I couldn't stay there long if you weren't backing me with prayer. Thank you!

My dream...

The following video has put more fuel in my passion and I hope someday there will be wind under my wings. If there was an opportunity to go and work for a year in this school I would jump on it! I emailed Asian Aid and asked if they ever needed volunteers. They said they are not set up for that right now, but if it ever became a need they would remember me. I'll be sure to keep tabs.

India has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a little girl. Every time I would watch Maranatha Mission Stories with Dick Dirkson about India I would have to fight tears. I wanted to go so bad.

Children also hold a special place in my heart. I want them to know they are valued, precious, loved, and created by a God who knows their name and can speak their language...yes, even if it's sign language.

To see these two things, India and children, linked to sign language, which also has held a special place in my heart since childhood and even more recently...it has all sent my mind soaring. I picture myself there...someday.

Please, if you can spare a few pleasures in life to help the children of Asian Aid or any organization like this, do it! What can we live without to gives these children a chance at life...and a chance at eternity!

For $23/month you can give a child the chance to go to school and get an education that could transform their future.

For only $7 more ($30/month) you can give them a meal while they are at school. For some children this is the only meal they will get all day. (Remind me again how many meals you ate just yesterday?)

For only $5 more ($35/month) more your sponsored child can live at the school where they will have meals every day, clean clothes to wear, and a clean bed to sleep in at night. If they have a suitable home to return to they visit their family on the holidays.

For just an extra $10 ($45/month) you can sponsor a orphaned, deaf, blind, or college student. These children may not even have parents any more. Your small sacrifice gives them not only food, clothes, and unique education, it gives them a home which is another way to spell love. A place where they learn about Jesus.

How far would $45 get you? Less than one tank of gas? A few groceries? A pair of shoes?

How far will $45 get her? Very likely...all the way to heaven. Would you be willing to help her get there and where your shoes a little longer? Please?

To proceed to the next step click here...

Acts: The Revolution...

Come join the challenge...

The beginning.

Lake Michigan

A last minute trip to the dunes at Lake Michigan. Walking along the beach discovering hundreds of rocks of all unique shapes and sizes and colors. Watching the waves toss and roll pebbles until they pushed them up to the shore. Listening to the roar of each wave as it crashed into the beach. The power of the water.

The sand. Realizing how many times God's thoughts turn to me. Battling my way up the side of a dune. Feeling the wind at the top and watching it bury my friends foot in the sand. Running back down the side of the slope. Jumping and rolling. The height of the dune.

Watching the sun slip slowly below the watery horizon. Sitting in the soft fiery glow of the painted sky. Sitting beside my friend.

Reveling in the spring like weather on a January evening. Opening the windows in the morning and hearing a robin singing his melody. The words of friends. A poem. Rereading a chapter to someone and being struck again by its message to my situation. Thinking about how God has led. How He has blessed. His love and mercy. His kindness. His understanding and gentleness with my humanness. Feeling Him so close. Hearing Him speak so clearly, almost audibly. Leading to trust completely. Learning to give all my dreams to Him. Embracing the fire.

Overwhelmed...

A word that has too often in my life described me. But this time it's in a good way.

The 5 weeks since I left AFCOE have been very full. From GYC, to lessons at home, to talks with friends, to new revelations of God, to an amazing blessing that I truly feel I have not room enough to receive!

I find myself at the dining room table of dear friends. Friends who have given without asking in return. Friends who will never know how much their kindness means to me.

I love surprises. And I got to give a big one this weekend! I'm in Michigan visiting more friends than I even knew I had up here. :) Last Friday night Abigail walked into vespers with no clue I would be there. Her reaction was priceless. My AFCOE classmate, Christian Smith, was quite taken back to see me walk into church. Other friends didn't even believe it could be me and had to ask what my name was.

Things don't just happen...

Friday I "happened" to run into a friend at PMC when Glesni and I "happened" to be there for her to practice the organ. Dana "happened" to invite me to come with her to her Muslim Relations class and to the Mosque afterwards. I skipped the class, but at the last minute went with them to the Mosque. Sitting there all wrapped up in my head scarf I figured it was just an interesting experience. However, the next day during the Louis Torres training weekend being held at the Hartford church... Abby and I went on outreach together. We "happened" to be given this particular territory. We only had less an hour and knew we'd only probably be able to finish one street. We "happened" to decide to start at the far end of one of the streets. While standing out side the van picking which side we would take and which side Glesni and her team would take a lady opened he door and called out, "No, thank you. We're not interested. We are Muslim." My mouth dropped open. The Mosque! I wished so bad I could have talked to her. She hadn't even given us a chance to say who we were or what we were doing! But she had said no to Glesni's team. Not me! :) "Abby, would you go back with me if I went and tried to talk to that lady?" With a little fear and trepidation Abby agreed to go. Before we got to the door she opened it and pleasantly repeated to us her rejection. But I started talking immediately and excitedly told her I had just visited a Mosque for the first time the day before. "Oh really?" she replied. I told her who we were and that we were doing a survey to discover the needs in the community and that there were a variety of things on there some of which she may be interested in..."like health and family!" :) She readily took the survey and filled it out and checked for the health classes. While she scratched away I talked to her little girl peering up at us from just inside the door. I asked her if she liked the snow and if she'd gotten to play in it. She replied with a nod and a smile. "Have you made a snowman yet?" I asked with enthusiasm. "No, it's too cold," she explained. "I haven't built a snowman in a long time!" I said, "Do you think I'm too big to build snowmen?" She thought about that for a moment and then shyly gave a nod. Abby and I giggled and told each other later that we would build a snowman with each other! The mother handed the survey back. We thanked her for her time and said good bye.

It all just happened, right? :) I think not. I was thrilled and look back and see how God had orchestrated events and circumstances to culminate in that meeting. You know, I had the chance of coming to MI in February instead of this week. :)

I am blessed... And I'm only 3 days into this adventure! By the way, we got 30+ Bible study requests from 20+ teams out of less than an hour of knocking on doors. According to those who have been here for a while, that has never been seen. A true miracle they say. Christian Smith now has 55 Bible study leads to follow up on. I'm going to join him when he goes out this Thursday to visit some of them. Can't wait!