The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

My dream...

The following video has put more fuel in my passion and I hope someday there will be wind under my wings. If there was an opportunity to go and work for a year in this school I would jump on it! I emailed Asian Aid and asked if they ever needed volunteers. They said they are not set up for that right now, but if it ever became a need they would remember me. I'll be sure to keep tabs.

India has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a little girl. Every time I would watch Maranatha Mission Stories with Dick Dirkson about India I would have to fight tears. I wanted to go so bad.

Children also hold a special place in my heart. I want them to know they are valued, precious, loved, and created by a God who knows their name and can speak their language...yes, even if it's sign language.

To see these two things, India and children, linked to sign language, which also has held a special place in my heart since childhood and even more recently...it has all sent my mind soaring. I picture myself there...someday.

Please, if you can spare a few pleasures in life to help the children of Asian Aid or any organization like this, do it! What can we live without to gives these children a chance at life...and a chance at eternity!

For $23/month you can give a child the chance to go to school and get an education that could transform their future.

For only $7 more ($30/month) you can give them a meal while they are at school. For some children this is the only meal they will get all day. (Remind me again how many meals you ate just yesterday?)

For only $5 more ($35/month) more your sponsored child can live at the school where they will have meals every day, clean clothes to wear, and a clean bed to sleep in at night. If they have a suitable home to return to they visit their family on the holidays.

For just an extra $10 ($45/month) you can sponsor a orphaned, deaf, blind, or college student. These children may not even have parents any more. Your small sacrifice gives them not only food, clothes, and unique education, it gives them a home which is another way to spell love. A place where they learn about Jesus.

How far would $45 get you? Less than one tank of gas? A few groceries? A pair of shoes?

How far will $45 get her? Very likely...all the way to heaven. Would you be willing to help her get there and where your shoes a little longer? Please?

To proceed to the next step click here...