The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?

Well inside

Hot sun. Long walk. Sore heart.

"May I have a drink?"

Why in the world is he talking to me. "Oh uh... Just curious, why are you asking me? I mean I'm what some of you refer to as a dog, and even worse, I'm a woman. Your kind doesn't usually like to have anything to do with my kind."

"If you knew God and the person talking to you, you would have asked him to give you a drink. And you would have gotten water like you can't find anywhere else. Living water."

"Um pardon me sir, but you forgot to bring anything to get the water out with. I mean I can understand if you've never been here before, then you wouldn't know that this well is really deep. I still haven't found the bottom of it. And where do you propose to get water better than this? This is Jacob's well. Jacob, the great patriarch, the one who saw angels and spoke to God. I guess maybe that's one reason I still come here. I mean of course I need water. Can't live without it. But I guess, too, I figure if Jacob stood here once up on a time maybe his God stood here too and left some sort of holiness here somehow. Maybe I hope that someday I'll reach the bottom of this well and find Him, at least a lingering fragment...

Have you ever heard about Jacob? Well of course you have. So I guess you don't need me to tell you, if you think your bigger and better then Jacob, there's some people around here who might laugh. Jacob's pretty respected and revered."

"Oh daughter, you don't have to come to Jacob's well to be satisfied. Haven't you found that you keep having to come? It's never enough? You can't live off a Jacob's God. But if you would take and drink of the water I have to offer, it would satisfy truly. It would become your own well inside. A well by which a God who wants to be your God would love to rest and talk with you."

"...I'd like that. Would you give me this water so I don't have to come here anymore?"

"Go and bring your husband."

"Um... I don't have one."

"I know."

Head down in shameful silence.

"This well isn't the only place you've sought fulfillment. All five husbands have left you. Broken and empty still. But even though you know they hold no promise you find yourself stuck in this cycle, with self-worth so low now you let men use you without commitment."

"You know, not even some of the people in town know as much as you just told me. I take back what I said earlier. Maybe you do rank as high as Jacob. And I've been wondering about something for a long time. I mean, I'll confess, even though it's not popular with everyone these days, I am searching for God. And since you seem to know something about Him, could you tell me, my ancestors worshiped there on that mountain. But your people say God is to be found in the temple at Jerusalem. Who's right?"

"Let me let you in on something. Pretty soon you won't find God in this mountain or at the temple in Jerusalem. You all don't even know what you're worshiping. We do. Salvation will come from the Jews. But let me tell you, an event is about to happen that will shatter the way everyone who is really finding God worships. An event that will shift the whole picture of God. An event that will show what He is really like. And what He really thinks of you. God doesn't want people to worship Him as a thing or as a place.  Not as some God who shadowed the life of a man now dead, but as He is in truth...a real present reality. He wants worship from your heart. He wants one on one relationship. Not between Himself and a mass of people. Not as a God who found a select few from the past as worthy of His blessing. But as a God who finds each and every soul a place He longs to linger. Even you, the dog woman. He wants the worship in your heart."

"Hmm... I'm not sure I understand all you just said. But I know one event everyone, and I'll admit even I am looking forward to is the coming of the Promised One, the Messiah. He's supposed to be able to explain everything. I know it's probably too much to hope for, but I hope to meet Him..."

"You have. I am that event. Oh daughter, let me dig in the soil of your soul. A well deep and pure and sweet. A well inside. And let me fill it."

Running. Free.

"You've got to come. He's here. It's got to be Him. He talked to me like He knew me through and through. To me! And now there's a well inside. I can't hold it in."

.... 

Two days later.

....

"Thank you. We believe too. We're now drinking our fill, not out of your well, but from the one He dug. The well inside."

So loved

I am so loved.

I am so unworthy of this love.

Yet He loves me still.

I am not loved because I deserve it, but because He deserves to have what He shed His own blood to purchase and redeem. I am ransomed with the most precious of currency. The villain set the ransom as high as he could see. He had the opportunity to name his price for the souls of the Kings treasure, and he set his sights on the life of the Life Giver. Did he reckon that I would not be considered worth that infinite value? He reckoned wrong. For the Prince of the kings of the earth stepped forward and pledged to pay the ransom. Did he hope that in the attempt the Prince would fail and he would gain not only the life of the Prince but hold still the life of the treasure upon whom he could carry out his hellish plans? He hoped in vain. Though for a while he held Life in his death grip, through the darkest night when hope slept in cold stillness, his triumph was not to endure. For when the morning came, the Prince broke the chains and rose up from the bowels of the earth victor.

This world is filled with touching love stories. Grand tales of brave acts for treasured loves. But they are nothing. They do not begin to reach the height of the love of my Prince for me. I know me. I know the depths of this sinful heart. And He knows it even better. Yet He came after me anyway. And He does again and again. He calls me His treasure.

Treasure.

To think of myself as anything less...it would require pronouncing the one who fought to the death and poured out His very blood as payment for me, a liar. In the face of such love what can I say? I am speechless. I am broken. All I can do is let Him love me. And that is all He wants.

Let me love you. Let my love transform you. I see you not as you are, but as what my love can make you. You are mine. And I delight to call you such. I am not ashamed of you. You are my treasure. And I love you.

He calls me His own. And I may call Him mine. And He has gone, but He will return. His one desire, to have me with Him where He is. He counts the days. Days unknown. Anticipating the day. The day on which He will come to take me, His treasure...home.

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

Soft in the stillness of night

Gentle and quiet

His voice assured me again

Child I’m not finished yet

Let your heart rest

I won’t let you slip through my fingers

He holds me

Oh He holds me so closely

I am His

And by His grace He is mine

No power can loosen His grip on me

I’m so tightly held by His mighty love

Here He comes

Riding on a white horse

To pull me out from the midst of my enemy

My faithful one

Here He comes

To vanquish His enemies

Fighting with a fierce love

A love stronger than death

My true one

*Here He Comes

By: Melissa Otto

Album: Blue Sky

Unbelief

He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths as through a pastureland. Psalm 106:9 (AMP)

This verse struck me. He turned the impassable impossibility into a meadow. And their terrified faces turned to expressions of amazement and joy. And after the roaring waves had crashed back down on there pursuing enemies they sang. (vs 10-12)

Soon they are on the boarder of a pleasant land. The one that has for generations been the promised possession of their people. Yet after all they have seen, they don't think He can give it to them. It's owned by impossibly powerful people!

It was unbelief that kept them out for another 40 years...wandering in the wilderness.

The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn't believe his promise to care for them.  (vs 24 NLT)

At one point in the saga it says, They traded their glorious God for a statue of a grass-eating bull. (v. 20 NLT)

They sound like a pretty dumb and wretched bunch...

Until you remember the times you've traded your glorious God for a "grass-eating bull".

No. We're not much better.

How many times have I lived doubt? Doubt that God could take care of me? Doubt that He would even want to? It's called unbelief. And it kept them out of the promised land. And it could be keeping me out too.

For forty years did unbelief, murmuring, and rebellion shut out ancient Israel from the land of Canaan. The same sins have delayed the entrance of modern Israel into the heavenly Canaan. Ev 696.2

This point comes out to me over and over again in the Bible.

And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:58

So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest. Hebrews 3:19

But there is hope! A father once struggled with unbelief. But Jesus did not send Him away. He only asked that he express his belief and show his faith, mustard seed though it was. And with that faith the Savior commanded demons to flee. And they did.

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Mar 9:23-24 KJV

When thoughts of unbelief and distrust come to you, remember that silence is eloquence. Speak no words of unbelief, for such words are as seeds that will spring up and bear fruit. CTr 120.6 

Cast yourself at His feet with the cry, "Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." You can never perish while you do this--never. DA 429.1

Never.

Oh Father, forgive my unbelief, and may I never again turn from you to a grass-eating bull. 

His own

...unto Him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in His own blood...

His own blood...

It's not just animal blood.

No. It's His. His very own.

That struck me for whatever reason. Maybe it's how the narrator says that phrase on my audio Bible.

Narrator? What about John?

This isn't a second hand tale. This is the man's best friend telling me.

"I know this to be a fact. I know where that stuff came from. My friend is the one who saved you and made you clean again. I watched it spill out of Him. And He didn't use a generic brand. It was the real stuff...

I'm telling you. He loves you."

Loves me.

Washed. Clean.

Clean. That's a good feeling you know.

...loved us, and washed us...in His own blood...

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

Thoughts on Love

Love. 

It fascinates me. A small word with many varied and often conflicting definitions. A word so distorted in our world. 

Yet it is still the word that my God chooses to describe the very essence of Himself. And He is as misunderstood as the word itself.

Love has been a big part of my life. His power over me has been something I only understood with the passing of time. But He has convinced me. He said His love is the only thing that can change me. And He was right. And it is changing me.

How to explain all that I want to... It is too much. Some of it cannot be explained. A few of you will understand. It can only be experienced. And oh I pray you will let Love convince you too! Please?

But Love changing you is not enough for Him. Once Love has made His dwelling in our hearts He desires to flow out. And the mighty power of His love is channeled through our lives to work the same unbelievable changes in the world around us as happened in our own lives. Such a small thing love is. But it is greater than the greatest empire, stronger than the army man, and will win where all else has lost.

"...the excellence and value of pure love consist in its efficiency to do good, and to do nothing else than good. Love will gain the victory when argument and authority are powerless. It is diffusive in its nature, and quiet in its operation, yet strong, mighty, to overcome great evils. It is melting and transforming in its influence, and will take hold of the lives of the sinful and affect their hearts when every other means has proved unsuccessful."

And our merciful Father values it highly.

"Love works not for profit nor reward; yet God has ordained that great gain shall be the certain result of every labor of love. Whatsoever is done out of pure love, be it ever so little or contemptible in the sight of men, is wholly fruitful; for God regards more with how much love one worketh, than the amount he doeth."

"Love should be cherished and cultivated, for its influence is divine."

Let Him love. 

Let Him live. 

Quotes from Gospel Workers 311, 312

Lean Hard

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;

I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;

Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to thine unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.' Here lay it down, nor fear

To impose it on a shoulder which upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;

So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.

Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;

But loving Me, lean hard.

From Streams in the Desert

By Mrs. L. B. Cowman - Missionary to China and Japan

Available on iTunes and highly recommended