The messy ones

(9-28-15) This was written (and never posted) at a time when I was at a completely different place in my journey. But it was valid. So I'm posting it...mostly unedited. I can see growth from where I was back then. There have been more lessons since then as well and more mistakes. And so more things to learn and apply. More allowing Love to come in and wash me up. I am more certain of His presence now. I don't run from it like I did at that time. But deeper faith is tested deeper. There's still messiness in me, believe me. And He is still loving me. And I'm still growing. 

(4-20-16) And still I didn't post it. :) More has changed in life since then and some things are much clearer now. God has also revealed more of how He has shaped my talents into something useful for a ministry and placed me in a position that fits like a glove. I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has me right now. This season is joyful. What lies ahead for me I do not know. But with each passing experience, fear's grip loosens and I find more freedom in His love. Perfect Love does indeed cast out fear. I'm still messy, and He's still loving me more clean each day. I hope you will let Him love you too.

~~~

Written April 17, 2014

Who I am has of course little consequence or worth accept that I am a child of the King. But perhaps a bit of background would help you understand what you read here in this place. And also, keep you from thinking that I have it together and am some saint. I am a real person. I struggle every bit as much as you. I hope and pray that I can be honest here in this place, not that you may pity me, or to speak of myself, but that you may see there is a merciful Savior and He loves the ugly, the broken, the messy ones.

Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure what to say about me. What of me should be known and what should not? I suppose everyone has them; corners of life they would like to hide. I have them. But often I wonder if like Mary Magdalene, the darkness of my soul could illuminate His love in brighter contrast. He saved a wretch like me.

To many I come off as outgoing. Others know the quiet side. A few know the real side. Life is big to me. Often confusing. At times overwhelming. In moments intensely beautiful. I have counted gifts of grace to one thousand and beyond. And I have shed as many tears. I am naturally a person of extremes. But the amazing thing? With all my courage and confusion, gratitude and grief, peace and perfectionism, faith and fear, togetherness and total chaos, highs and lows, success and mistakes...there is a Love constant and steady.

His love. Unconditional. Undestoryable. Wretch-embracing love. He's been talking to me about that this year. Love has been a confusing and touchy subject. Unexpectedly I was embarked on a journey. It continues. There were questions. Why is it hard to be loved? Why am I afraid? I do want it though. I do keep looking up, like a frightened child, to make sure He's still there. And He is. I'm learning to believe that, even when I can't see Him. I forget often still.

I am a perfectionist and idealist. I am 26 and still live at home. I have not finished even one year of college. I am often tempted to feel inferior. It is a choice I must make often to remember that God is in charge of my life. He knows what He is doing even if I do not. And even though it has been very unconventional, and not at all what my young dreams had in mind, and sometimes misunderstood by others, He can and will and is weaving every bit of it, even the dark threads, into a beautiful tapestry. He's not done with me yet.

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Positivity

Positivity is a good thing. I think we would all agree on that. It is powerful. But positivity alone is not enough. Have you noticed one of the most optimistic people to have ever lived is also the most evil person who has ever lived?

The devil has touted for over six thousand years, against all evidence, that he will win this war. He even knows now that he will not, but he refuses to admit it or back down. He has optimism down pat. And he has convinced a lot of people that he is right against all the evidence through out history.

No matter how positive you are about something, if it is a lie your optimism will not make it right. You must be positive about truth. You must be optimistic about what is reality.

And one thing I know is truth is that the dragon has never ever, not once won a battle with the King. He lost the most important battle on the bloody hill of calvary. Now all that remains is for his kingdom and its effects to be irradiated forever.

Sure, we look around us, even inward to our own lives, and sometimes it appears as though God is losing battles, sometimes as if He is not even putting up a fight. But that isn’t true. His infallible Word promises that He is fighting and will win overwhelmingly. (The only thing the devil can win is a human heart that surrenders itself to him and doesn’t let God fight for it. Something to take seriously.) The war is not over yet. It may take a while for truth to be seen with our eyes. We live by faith after all. But when it is all said and done, truth will triumph and every story in which the enemy appears now to have won will have the last line written. They are only unfinished stories.

Every situation, every apparent triumph of the Serpent that is given to the Prince of Love and Captain of the Lord’s host will become a trophy of grace. Every one.

And that is something you can be positive about.

Leaning Hard

The gravel squished into the soggy ground under my shoes. A grey sky reflected my heart, as my thoughts drifted with the clouds. It was raining. That part I was happy about and was relishing an umbrella-less Sabbath afternoon walk in the welcome drops. But I was lonely. I wanted to talk to a friend, and no one was available. I thought about the different places I knew some of them were.  Several friends were newly married or reveling in a blossoming relationship. I was all alone. 

"I'm here," a voice gently said. 

"I know You are. I'm sorry... And I want You to be enough, God. But... there's just something about a real, live person." My thoughts continued down a familiar trail. When will I be ready for a special someone? When will he find me? Now, for the most part, I am a very happy single. However, I think the girl’s heart will understand when I say I still long for the day when I can share life with my husband. This is a God-given desire. But I must be alert to the temptation to let my heart pine after the fulfilling of that dream. And some days it's harder than others.

Just then I remembered a quote I'd read in a magazine while tidying up the house the week before. It was in an article complied of excerpts from Grandma Ellen's writings. "Let all the sisters feel that if they haven't a husband to lean upon, they will lean more heavily upon God."*

Lean more heavily... My thought clouds began to settle on that phrase. I have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to enjoy a closer relationship with God right now as a single girl than when I am married someday. I don't want to miss that privilege! I am His. And He is mine. What a thought! Isaiah 54:5 came to mind. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is His name." And it is my privilege to lean more heavily on Him during these years. 

But I must lean.

Suddenly the rain was a thousand voices whispering His love in my ears. The wind gently caressed my cheek. I slowed my pace, stopped, to just take in the scenery. Crouching on the side of the road, I studied the raindrops. What makes them linger there on the blades of grass like so many diamonds? There is a law set in place by my Maker that tells them to. I just stared, willing my eye to capture forever their simple yet matchless beauty. And all for me. For I was alone the only one to enjoy them.

The music in my pocket was aptly singing, "Your beauty shines, Your love surrounds..." It was true. I soaked up His love like the rain falling on my jacket. The loneliness took flight as the wings of a bird. 

Oh my Love, let me lean... And lean hard.

*The Upward Look p. 147

Lean Hard

Child of My love, lean hard,

And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;

I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;

Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion

In its weight to thine unaided strength,

For even as I laid it on, I said,

'I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,

This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms

Of My Own love.' Here lay it down, nor fear

To impose it on a shoulder which upholds

The government of worlds. Yet closer come:

Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;

So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.

Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;

But loving Me, lean hard.

From Streams in the Desert

By Mrs. L. B. Cowman - Missionary to China and Japan

Available on iTunes and highly recommended

Even more...

The gifts of Jesus are ever fresh and new. The feast that He provides for the soul never fails to give satisfaction and joy. Each new gift increases the capacity of the receiver to appreciate and enjoy the blessings of the Lord. He gives grace for grace. There can be no failure of supply. If you abide in Him, the fact that you receive a rich gift today insures the reception of a richer gift tomorrow....With every fresh revelation of His love, He declares to the receptive heart, 

"Believest thou? thou shalt see greater things than these." John 1:50. 

DA 148.3

My dream...

The following video has put more fuel in my passion and I hope someday there will be wind under my wings. If there was an opportunity to go and work for a year in this school I would jump on it! I emailed Asian Aid and asked if they ever needed volunteers. They said they are not set up for that right now, but if it ever became a need they would remember me. I'll be sure to keep tabs.

India has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a little girl. Every time I would watch Maranatha Mission Stories with Dick Dirkson about India I would have to fight tears. I wanted to go so bad.

Children also hold a special place in my heart. I want them to know they are valued, precious, loved, and created by a God who knows their name and can speak their language...yes, even if it's sign language.

To see these two things, India and children, linked to sign language, which also has held a special place in my heart since childhood and even more recently...it has all sent my mind soaring. I picture myself there...someday.

Please, if you can spare a few pleasures in life to help the children of Asian Aid or any organization like this, do it! What can we live without to gives these children a chance at life...and a chance at eternity!

For $23/month you can give a child the chance to go to school and get an education that could transform their future.

For only $7 more ($30/month) you can give them a meal while they are at school. For some children this is the only meal they will get all day. (Remind me again how many meals you ate just yesterday?)

For only $5 more ($35/month) more your sponsored child can live at the school where they will have meals every day, clean clothes to wear, and a clean bed to sleep in at night. If they have a suitable home to return to they visit their family on the holidays.

For just an extra $10 ($45/month) you can sponsor a orphaned, deaf, blind, or college student. These children may not even have parents any more. Your small sacrifice gives them not only food, clothes, and unique education, it gives them a home which is another way to spell love. A place where they learn about Jesus.

How far would $45 get you? Less than one tank of gas? A few groceries? A pair of shoes?

How far will $45 get her? Very likely...all the way to heaven. Would you be willing to help her get there and where your shoes a little longer? Please?

To proceed to the next step click here...

AFCOE Graduation Fall 2011

Finally found a video of our complete AFCOE graduation. Yay! Enjoy and I hope you are blessed. :) Miss you all, my AFCOE family! Don't forget what we learned together and stay faithful.

Anxious?

My first week off school has been kind of rough. I now have to put into real life practice the lessons God taught me through the last four months. I haven't had the greatest start at it. But I can say we are making progress. My biggest fear has been the future. I feel like I just flew off the end of a cliff and I don't know where to land. I don't know where God wants me to be. What am I supposed to do with everything I just learned? I need to start classes for ASL soon. I have no job prospects. How am I going to pay my bills and afford school? So my thoughts were turning anxious as they so often do. It is my struggle. I think God is purposely putting me in straight places to get me to relax in His hands. Has He ever failed me yet? No. So what am I worried about? Good question. There are things I'm worried about, but they still are not good excuses.

I confess I have kept late nights lately and have spent a lot of time thinking in those dark hours. It has only created knots in my stomach and burdens. So this morning in my quiet time God decided to speak straight to me. I just finished the book I had been reading for devotions (God In Pain. A must read!). So I was browsing through devotionals looking for what I should study. I was headed to study more of my new pet-topic the knowledge of God. As I open the Bible software I noticed the Morning and Evening Reading devotional by C. H. Spurgeon. {chuckles} God couldn't make it any clearer. Look for yourself.

Morning, December 19 - 


         “The lot is cast into the lap, but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord.” 
                                                                                             — Proverbs 16:33


If the disposal of the lot is the Lord’s whose is the arrangement of our whole life? If the simple casting of a lot is guided by him, how much more the events of our entire life—especially when we are told by our blessed Saviour: “The very hairs of your head are all numbered: not a sparrow falleth to the ground without your Father.” It would bring a holy calm over your mind, dear friend, if you were always to remember this. It would so relieve your mind from anxiety, that you would be the better able to walk in patience, quiet, and cheerfulness as a Christian should. When a man is anxious he cannot pray with faith; when he is troubled about the world, he cannot serve his Master, his thoughts are serving himself. If you would “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,” all things would then be added unto you. You are meddling with Christ’s business, and neglecting your own when you fret about your lot and circumstances. You have been trying “providing” work and forgetting that it is yours to obey. Be wise and attend to the obeying, and let Christ manage the providing. Come and survey your Father’s storehouse, and ask whether he will let you starve while he has laid up so great an abundance in his garner? Look at his heart of mercy; see if that can ever prove unkind! Look at his inscrutable wisdom; see if that will ever be at fault. Above all, look up to Jesus Christ your Intercessor, and ask yourself, while he pleads, can your Father deal ungraciously with you? If he remembers even sparrows, will he forget one of the least of his poor children? “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain thee. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved.” 

         My soul, rest happy in thy low estate,

         Nor hope nor wish to be esteem’d or great;

         To take the impress of the Will Divine,

         Be that thy glory, and those riches thine.

Spurgeon, C. H. (2006). Morning and evening : Daily readings (Complete and unabridged; New modern edition.). Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.

Fear the Lord...

"If there is any man who fears the Lord, he shall be shown the path that he should choose."
Psalm 25:12, NEB

What a beautiful promise! Where should we put our efforts then? Trying to decide which path to choose? Nay! Rather our striving should be to fear the Lord. And when the path through which He leads seems impassable, do not be dismayed. Only trust Him. Claim His promise and move forward.

"When we cannot see our way
Let us trust and still obey;
He who bids us forward go
Cannot fail the way to show.
Though the sea be deep and wide,
Though a passage seem denied,
Fearless let us still proceed,
Since the Lord vouchsafes to lead."
-Anonymous