It hurts...

I don't want to believe it...

It's gone...four months. I'm not the only one with these feelings. But this isn't misery, so company doesn't help.

I thought I would cry all graduation weekend. But strangely I didn't shed a tear. They wouldn't come. Which is very surprising to anyone who really knows me. I cried a lot through the four months. In the beginning I thought I couldn't wait till it was over. I thought I would be glad to have all the work done and behind me. Oh...but now I would take a hundred quizzes and tests...just to be back there again.

The tears are finally coming...but now there's no room 9 or 7 to run to. There's no Mama Tammey. My bungee cord is stretched across 1501 miles. It was all too fast. I don't think any of us thought it would end like this. They tried to tell us, but we must not have been listening close enough.

So many memories...

As one friend who knows what I'm talking about put it..."We had bruised our knees together in prayer. We had blistered our feet together going door to door. We had stretched our poor brains together trying to understand the covenants, and why they even mattered anyway. We had spent countless hours that we should have been asleep trying to finish up our Daniel and Revelation papers. We had lived together. We had laughed together. We had been annoyed by eachother. We had been mad at eachother. We were family." We watched each other transform. We saw the struggles. We rejoiced in the victories. We shared everything. We did everything together. Every little thing had significance. Each spot on campus...the picnic tables, the swing, the rock, the bridge, the prayer garden, the loop, the office, the trails, the gravel pit, the stars... We wrestled through together. We won together. We broke through barriers and over came fear together. We talked late into the night together. We claimed the promises together. We watched God do miracles right in front of our eyes. We stood in wonder together at the amazing privilege we'd been given.

And now it's over. And we are hundreds of miles away.

Oh it hurts... Like I've never hurt before. Like something in the pit of your stomach that is wrenching it and twisting it. Apologies to any of you who are not melancholy. Bless your hearts. Most of you who read my blog probably won't understand at all what is going. But a few of you will... you will... and you may even mingle your tears with mine. Thanks for understanding. I've needed to get this out for a week, but I feared being told to buck up and deal with it.

But I can't anymore...so I have process it out loud. Let it go. And I'll thank those of you who will hold me close and let me just cry...and understand. Because you've been there.

If heavens joy is even half as intense as this pain... Ah, but it will be so much more. We will be together again. And the final touch will be put on our joy as we meet on those glassy shores to wake the song again. We'll see all those people we prayed for, cried for, worked for. We will be together again...someday. Meet me there, friend. And don't be late...please.

Please Jesus, we are so small. How are we gonna do this? But you said we could because you would help us. So here's my fives loaves and two fishes. Do with it as you will. I surrender. Take my fears and my inhibitions, all my burdens, my ambitions. You can use it all to feed them all.* And please, Jesus, keep us faithful. Please. We want to get this done soon. We want to be together again. Not in a class room. But sitting together at your feet. Please Jesus, come soon. 




*"Five Loaves and Two Fishes" by Corrinne May. Memory from our last all night prayer together.