Feelings

 from January 22, 2014 (unrevised)
(note: some words are from my own dictionary)

Does it ever happen to you? You wake up and look outside and discover that the little imp of irritableness is sitting on your porch swing. What is he doing here? You open the door and shoo him away. But he again returns like a pesky fly that just won't be caught.

Something in the air just doesn't feel right. Where did my sense of His presence and sweet spirit go? What happened to the connection? I suppose there could be as many potential causes and variations as there are of us. Sometimes I can't identify a cause. It's just as if a cloud blotted out my Sun and I have to keep walking by faith. I don't always do so well.

Some mornings I find myself feeling tired and less than excited to focus on quiet time with God. After postponing the parting with my bed it's even more tempting to suffice with a simple devotional and prayer. After all I've already missed my time, there's lots to do, and I better stay on schedule. (What a convenient time to pull out the "schedule" card.) I won't be able to focus anyway with all the to-dos on my mind now. Right?

Well I've tried this method more times than I'd like to admit and though I may accomplish things the problem of little imp irritable is rarely solved. In fact he may end up succeeding in having a friend or two over. Darling distraction perhaps or sir self-reliance. It doesn't end well.

So this morning I find myself in such a place. Something is different inside. Can't put a finger on it but I know the feeling. And I don't like it. I turn my face towards the devotional-and-stay-on-schedule path. But this time something stops me. Why rush? Why do I think that will help matters? Perhaps it is a few phrases in my devotional reading that triggers it.

“Called aside—
Perhaps into a desert garden dim;
And yet not alone, when thou hast been with Him,
And heard His voice in sweetest accents say:
“Child, wilt thou not with Me this still hour stay?”

And then thoughts start meshing. What could it hurt to buckle down and take my unrushed time with Him? Others may have to wait on me, but why punish my Savior for my falling behind schedule?  Why focus on the fact that I'm irritable and try to wrestle it myself? *recall family worship* "Look not to self, but to Christ." MH 65.4

Further reflection. "It is not wise to look to ourselves and study our emotions. If we do this, the enemy will present difficulties and temptations that weaken faith and destroy courage. Closely to study our emotions and give way to our feelings is to entertain doubt and entangle ourselves in perplexity. We are to look away from self to Jesus." MH 249.4

Feelings are a poor gage for our status with God. Don't give them time. "At times a deep sense of our unworthiness will send a thrill of terror through the soul; but this is no evidence that God has changed toward us, or we toward God. No effort should be made to rein the mind up to a certain intensity of emotion. We may not feel today the peace and joy which we felt yesterday; but we should by faith grasp the hand of Christ, and trust him as fully in the darkness as in the light." RH, May 3, 1881. – {PH048 30.3}

And so I feel un-Christian and disconnected. What does that matter? Should it keep me away from Jesus? Or do I need Him more? Will He not be compassionate? "But the centurion said of himself, 'I am not worthy.' Yet he did not fear to ask help from Jesus. Not to his own goodness did he trust, but to the Saviour’s mercy. His only argument was his great need. Do you feel that because you are a sinner you cannot hope to receive blessing from God? Remember that Christ came into the world to save sinners. We have nothing to recommend us to God; the plea that we may urge now and ever is our utterly helpless condition, which makes His redeeming power a necessity. Renouncing all self-dependence, we may look to the cross of Calvary and say: 'In my hand no price I bring; Simply to Thy cross I cling.'” MH 65

Will He not deal with the imps and darlings? "In Christ, God has provided means for subduing every evil trait and resisting every temptation, however strong." MH 65.4

The song for worship.
"On the Rock of Ages founded,
What can shake thy sure repose?
With salvation's wall surrounded,
Thou mayst smile at all thy foes."

"We may be shut in by the promises of God, which will be as a wall of fire about us." Signs of the Times, May 22, 1884. – {PH048 39.1}

Leave your emotions to Jesus. "As a faithful physician, the world’s Redeemer has his finger upon the pulse of the soul. He marks every beat; he takes note of every throb. Not an emotion thrills it; not a sorrow shades it; not a sin stains it; not a thought or purpose passes through it, with which he is not acquainted. Man was purchased at an infinite cost, and is loved with a devotion exceeding that which a father feels for his child. The prayer that comes from a sincere heart will ever find a response in heaven." Signs of the Times, December 3, 1896. – {PH048 40.3}

You know in all my quarter of a century, this feels like the first time it's all come together. I don't know why. I've read all this over and again. But this morning was a bit of an epiphany. I'm thankful that my Jesus is patient while I learn.

Today I chose to give Him the best of my time. Today I chose to look away from self to Jesus. Today I chose to walk by faith not feeling and trust that the Sun still shines behind the clouds...and it will return.

And here's the promise. "...by persevering effort, habit will finally make it easy." {PH048 34.4}

After long silence...

It's been a long time. Nearly one year. I've wanted to write for a while. But I wasn't sure how to start again; kind of felt like I should say a formal 'hello again' first.

A blog. They're used for lots of things. Mine feels more like a journal. I don't know that I write for an audience. It feels more like I'm writing to someone. I see individuals. Nameless, faceless individuals.

My blog is a place for me. A place where I come to spill some of my cup running over. Other times it's a place where I come to drink. My soul is dry. Or hurting. And somehow in writing I am filled.

I don't expect anyone to listen. To read. I am nothing special as me. But I love Someone very special. And He's done a lot for me. I just want others to now that. I want to sing like a little bird perched high on a branch unaware of others passing by. I want to sing for Him. But my heart prays if anyone is listening it will make them want to know Him too.

This world is a hurting place. It's so hard to watch so many people hurt. But even more when they don't know or won't accept the healing my Friend offers. I want to tell them He loves them. And it's not Him who hurts them. He wants to heal them.

I've hurt too. Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my journey. It's close to my heart. It's sacred. It's not something I want to lightly display for curious eyes. But I want so bad to tell what He's done. And for others to understand and see that what I say is not cliché. It's real. It's painfully real. It's gut wrenching sobs real. And it's overwhelmed by love real.

The silence between the previous post and this holds much. A story I would have written so differently. A story I many times feared was going to end tragically. But friend, never under estimate Grace. I never thought it would happen, but I can look into His eyes and say, "Thank you."

Oh how do I make you see? What words can I use to paint a picture of the face of Grace? Please look. Close your eyes. And look. Listen. Hear. Please....

So here begins a new chapter in this blog. May I be real. May I never make you think I have something you don't. We have the same Savior. And He is the only thing that makes us anything. I share not because I want to brag. No no. My only wish is for you, dear friend, to know His heart too. To come to the place where you can crawl in His lap. Be wrapped in His arms. In all your broken filthiness. And let Him love you. Oh what that would do!

I owe much of my experience to friends of Grace. Those who have prayed me through the darkness. Held me when I was afraid of His arms. Had faith for me when I had none. Told me again and again what He looked like when I couldn't see. Promised me I would rise again. Told me their stories and shared their healing with me. I just want to be that for somebody else. To speak in my voice His love, hope, forgiveness, patience, and grace and pray that someone needs to hear it in my language.

Welcome to...

              The healing place

Deliberate choice

There have been many accidental pregnancies. But there is no such thing as an accidental adoption. To be adopted means you are someone's deliberate choice.

You are God's. deliberate. choice.



-from the sermon this morning

Are they tears that stain the grass in the morning?
Betrayal of a night long and cold?
Why the sparkle when morning sun rises?
Can sorrow and anguish really beauty hold?
How much time to transform pain?
Can tears become diamonds of worth?
Is there no shortcut to life and freedom
without the pain and struggle of birth?

Well inside

Hot sun. Long walk. Sore heart.

"May I have a drink?"

Why in the world is he talking to me. "Oh uh... Just curious, why are you asking me? I mean I'm what some of you refer to as a dog, and even worse, I'm a woman. Your kind doesn't usually like to have anything to do with my kind."

"If you knew God and the person talking to you, you would have asked him to give you a drink. And you would have gotten water like you can't find anywhere else. Living water."

"Um pardon me sir, but you forgot to bring anything to get the water out with. I mean I can understand if you've never been here before, then you wouldn't know that this well is really deep. I still haven't found the bottom of it. And where do you propose to get water better than this? This is Jacob's well. Jacob, the great patriarch, the one who saw angels and spoke to God. I guess maybe that's one reason I still come here. I mean of course I need water. Can't live without it. But I guess, too, I figure if Jacob stood here once up on a time maybe his God stood here too and left some sort of holiness here somehow. Maybe I hope that someday I'll reach the bottom of this well and find Him, at least a lingering fragment...

Have you ever heard about Jacob? Well of course you have. So I guess you don't need me to tell you, if you think your bigger and better then Jacob, there's some people around here who might laugh. Jacob's pretty respected and revered."

"Oh daughter, you don't have to come to Jacob's well to be satisfied. Haven't you found that you keep having to come? It's never enough? You can't live off a Jacob's God. But if you would take and drink of the water I have to offer, it would satisfy truly. It would become your own well inside. A well by which a God who wants to be your God would love to rest and talk with you."

"...I'd like that. Would you give me this water so I don't have to come here anymore?"

"Go and bring your husband."

"Um... I don't have one."

"I know."

Head down in shameful silence.

"This well isn't the only place you've sought fulfillment. All five husbands have left you. Broken and empty still. But even though you know they hold no promise you find yourself stuck in this cycle, with self-worth so low now you let men use you without commitment."

"You know, not even some of the people in town know as much as you just told me. I take back what I said earlier. Maybe you do rank as high as Jacob. And I've been wondering about something for a long time. I mean, I'll confess, even though it's not popular with everyone these days, I am searching for God. And since you seem to know something about Him, could you tell me, my ancestors worshiped there on that mountain. But your people say God is to be found in the temple at Jerusalem. Who's right?"

"Let me let you in on something. Pretty soon you won't find God in this mountain or at the temple in Jerusalem. You all don't even know what you're worshiping. We do. Salvation will come from the Jews. But let me tell you, an event is about to happen that will shatter the way everyone who is really finding God worships. An event that will shift the whole picture of God. An event that will show what He is really like. And what He really thinks of you. God doesn't want people to worship Him as a thing or as a place.  Not as some God who shadowed the life of a man now dead, but as He is in truth...a real present reality. He wants worship from your heart. He wants one on one relationship. Not between Himself and a mass of people. Not as a God who found a select few from the past as worthy of His blessing. But as a God who finds each and every soul a place He longs to linger. Even you, the dog woman. He wants the worship in your heart."

"Hmm... I'm not sure I understand all you just said. But I know one event everyone, and I'll admit even I am looking forward to is the coming of the Promised One, the Messiah. He's supposed to be able to explain everything. I know it's probably too much to hope for, but I hope to meet Him..."

"You have. I am that event. Oh daughter, let me dig in the soil of your soul. A well deep and pure and sweet. A well inside. And let me fill it."

Running. Free.

"You've got to come. He's here. It's got to be Him. He talked to me like He knew me through and through. To me! And now there's a well inside. I can't hold it in."

.... 

Two days later.

....

"Thank you. We believe too. We're now drinking our fill, not out of your well, but from the one He dug. The well inside."